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An Insightful Conversation with Clifton Fuller: Exploring Mental Health Trends and Resilience Michelle Gill, Buffalo Creek Designs, interviews Clifton Fuller, Life Coach, Supervisor, LCSW-S, LPC-S, LMFT-S I was honored when Michelle Gill of Buffalo Creek Designs reached out to interview me for her Creatives Circle series. This series features eclectic authors and individuals who resonate with her and her readers. Michelle has a remarkable gift for drawing out meaningful conversations. Our time together covered a wide range of topics — from current mental health trends and the rise of anxiety and depression to the growing awareness of narcissistic personality disorder. We also discussed the impact of smartphones on emotional development and the evolving world of counseling and virtual therapy. The Importance of Mental Health Awareness I appreciated the opportunity to share insights from my years in practice. We reflected on resilience, marriage dynamics, and the challenges facing today’s youth and future therapists. I’m grateful for Michelle’s thoughtful questions and the chance to contribute to her community of authors and creatives. Here's a link to her article: Interview with Clifton Fuller Here's a link to her 'creatives' (author's) circle: Creatives Interviews | Buffalo Creek Designs My Journey in Counseling For those who would like to read the interview directly, here it is: Clifton Fuller is a counselor in private practice in San Antonio, Texas. He holds three professional licenses in counseling, marriage and family therapy, and clinical social work. Along with multiple other certifications, he has over fifty years of experience. Mr. Fuller is the fifth of seven children. His father, Red, a World War II veteran, had a sixth-grade education and eventually became an alcoholic, putting the family into poverty. Mr. Fuller struggled in school with dyslexia and dysgraphia. He failed in first and fourth grade due to these learning disabilities. However, in fourth grade, he learned to read due to neurological maturation. One day he couldn't read, and suddenly the next day he could as his brain connected the dots. His parents divorced when he was 10 years old. He, along with his mother and younger siblings, moved into a childcare institution. He and his siblings lived there as residents while his mother worked there as an employee. Upon high school graduation, he was offered a college education paid for by the institution. Mr. Fuller not only obtained a bachelor's degree in psychology (cum laude) but also a master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (summa cum laude). After obtaining his master's degree, the childcare institution, where he had been raised, requested he return to serve as its Chief Operating Officer. This was a short-term turnaround role, as several board members resisted meaningful change. Seeing that progress would be slow and continually opposed— “like turning a battleship”—Clifton recognized the resistance would persist and chose not to continue. Transitioning to San Antonio He and his family relocated to San Antonio, where he initially opened a private psychotherapy practice. Later, he worked in psychiatric hospitals as both a therapist and an inpatient hospital director, finding the work deeply rewarding for many years. Eventually, he returned to private practice to have greater control over his schedule and more time with his family. Following the COVID era, many people became increasingly familiar with—and even preferred—online counseling. In 2021, he transitioned to a full‑time virtual practice, which has proven convenient and highly effective in meeting his clients’ needs. The Changing Landscape of Counseling During our interview, Mr. Fuller shared specifics about how counseling has changed over the years and the mental health needs of our society. Of course, we all know that the introduction of smartphones has changed society in many ways, especially for kids growing up with them. Kids today often compare themselves to unrealistic images on social media. They become conditioned to expect constant, immediate feedback. As a result, they struggle to form real connections and often feel isolated. Mr. Fuller states that he is seeing a significant parallel rise in depression and anxiety in the clients in his practice as a result. The positive aspect of these changes is that psychology is now much more acceptable and accessible. Marital Dynamics and Healthy Relationships Mr. Fuller has recognized another change in his practice, which relates to marriages. In times past, society expected too much from marriage, as we expected all our needs to be met through it. Two tools that can be taught through counseling that he suggests for a healthy marriage are: Develop good, clear communication skills. Develop the ability to resolve conflict. The Power of Dreams One more little nugget that I would like to explore further is something Mr. Fuller shared: "Dreams are the brain's way of getting you to let go of emotions." This perspective can be incredibly liberating. It invites us to consider how our subconscious mind works to process our feelings, even when we are unaware of it. Supporting Future Therapists In Mr. Fuller's current practice, he not only offers counseling and coaching services but also supervisory services for counselors in training. In his monthly newsletter , he shares wisdom from his years of experience in his mentoring section for future psychotherapists. Even though he struggled as a child with learning disabilities, Mr. Fuller has authored multiple books on mental health issues and narcissistic personality disorder. These works are available via his website and from Amazon. Advice for Aspiring Counselors I asked, "What is one thing that you would advise someone interested in becoming a counselor to do?" He said, "For those who want to be a therapist, I recommend that they understand they will practice by the licenses they obtain, not by the degree they obtain. Make sure their degree meets the requirements of whatever license they intend to practice under, and that social work allows a broader scope of practice." Mr. Fuller's Favorite Restaurants in San Antonio Eddie V's Prime Seafood La Fogata Mexican Cuisine Recommended Attractions Mr. Fuller also recommends visiting the Alamo Museum, specifically Phil Collins' Collection , the RiverWalk , and of course, the Spurs ! Learn more by visiting his website.

Want to build stronger relationships? Then communicate love and respect for others! But first, learn to communicate in the language that your partner, associates, or friends hear, understand, and value! “Everything you say and do and everything you don’t say or do, is communication.”  (Clifton Fuller) Therapists know that the #1 reason couples seek counseling is due to conflicts and they also know that conflicts most often occur due to miscommunication. If those communication issues can be addressed, the relationship can heal and become even stronger. But if a couple chooses or is unable to address the communication conflict issues in their relationship, it will fail, end in divorce, or end up in discontent, distance or unhappiness in life. Happy couples learn the most effective ways to communicate love to each other. Happy work experiences are those where employer and coworkers communicate respect for each other. Happy business interactions are those that communicate expectations well and are fair to all concerned. Happy school, community, or any relationship are those where we all feel valued. When we communicate in positive ways that we care about others, we all win. The Wrong Kind of Candy: In grad school, my wife and I worked long hours to make ends meet financially. During that time, we decided that for our family, with two young sons, my wife would be a stay-at-home mom and work from home rather than work outside the home. (My wife is an educator). Because we only had one car, I did the grocery shopping on my way home from work based on a list we would compile during the week. I had one exception: I would occasionally buy a candy bar that definitely was not on the grocery list. I grew up poor in the 1950s. For me, candy was a rare luxury. Time and money were also tight in grad school, but my wife has always been happy with simple expressions of love; flowers picked along a walk, discovering a heart-shaped rock, or special hand-made notes from the boys. But I also knew that she loved chocolate. “Not understanding your partner’s love language will really have you out there buying expensive gifts for someone who really just wants the dishes clean.” (Kirstin Carrico) I couldn't do it often, but occasionally, while at the grocery store, I would buy a special candy bar for her. I'd pick a big name chocolate, king-sized bar with caramel, nougat, and topped with peanuts! Childhood poverty has a way of making even small gestures carry major emotional rewards. I also knew she’d love the thought that I had been thinking about her. One evening as I began putting the groceries away, I proudly pulled out a peanut topped, king-sized candy bar I'd purchased for her. She smiled and kissed me, thanking me for thinking of her. That made me happy. Many months later, while searching for a large dish to serve spaghetti for dinner, I opened a top cabinet door where I knew the large platters were stored. As I opened the cabinet door, much to my surprise, a bunch of candy bars tumbled out. I said, “Whoa! What are all these candy bars doing here?” My wife responded, “I hid the bars because I don’t want the kids eating candy too often.”  I then realized that the fallen candy stash appeared to be quite a few of the candy bars I'd previously bought for her. “Honey,” I replied, “I didn’t buy the candy bars for the kids; the candy was for YOU.” She replied, “I loved that you thought of me and did that, but I don’t like candy with peanuts or coconut.” As we gathered the candy bars, I suddenly realized that I'd never even thought about asking her what kind of candy she liked. Instead, I had bought the kind of candy I thought she'd like, which also happened to be the kind of candy that I liked. All the effort I had put into months of affectionate action wasn’t wasted; my wife thought it was still very caring and loving. She understood me and knew that, even in difficult times, I enjoyed giving her small gifts. I then asked her what kind of candy she liked, she told me, and from then on, I bought the kind of candy she loved. I applied that thinking to other things in our life... I found out what she interpreted as loving and caring and liked...NOT what I thought she liked or what I liked. I’m a big believer in learning from my mistakes, and there was indeed a lesson here. The lesson I learned was to ask and found out! “Write it down. Written goals have a way of transforming wishes into wants, cant's into cans, dreams into plans, and plans into reality. Don’t just think it. Ink it!” (Michael Korda) Many of us often don’t ask for feedback. Sometimes, we don’t know things because we simply don’t think to ask. When we commit to a relationship, we need to commit . Something as simple as making a 'caring deeds' list and being honest, without fearing ridicule, is one of the simplest things we can do. When we do not communicate what we want, share what makes us feel cared about, or let our partners, family or friends know what we need, we miss life opportunities. We create misunderstandings and obstruct transparency in communication. “Today, I caught myself just smiling, and then realized it was because I was thinking of you.” We may think communication doesn't matter. Good communication skills only matter... IF you want a happy life! Another important thing to know is that honest transparency in communication builds stronger relationships. Lack of communication chokes relationships. Lack of communication causes divisions, misunderstandings, incorrect interpretations, apathy, and even anger. Lies, deception, or anger builds distrust. Being honest and truthful builds trust, increases joy, lessons stress, builds understanding, empathy, compassion, and love. We all make mistakes and it's difficult to admit when we fail or make foolish choices. Even if being honest is difficult, a relationship without trust will be one of unhappiness, fear, or anxiety. Go ahead and build trust, honesty, and move forward rather than hiding the truth. If you need help doing that, or learning the best ways to move forward, contact someone you consider to be wise, who has a proven track of having strong relationships, a counselor, or family member to walk you through the process. An important teaching tool for potential therapists is to watch counseling in action, whether 'live' or in mock video enactments. As a college student, we had to watch a video of an older couple in counseling. The diminutive wife had declared she intended to leave the marriage due to the years of feeling unloved by her husband. Her decision surprised him and he'd been forced to attend counseling 'if' he wanted to avoid a divorce. (Read more about the danger of using 'if' and 'then' statements here .) “I have been in love, and it was a great feeling. But love isn’t enough in a relationship—understanding and communication are very important aspects.” (Yuvraj Singh, Athlete) "He has changed and has become a real jerk" she declared. He was no longer the man she'd married. How had he changed? She said when they'd dated, he had chased her, wooed her with affection, compliments, promises, love, and kindness and told her she was the most important person in the world to him. After years of marriage, he had gradually become cold and distant. He'd often ignored her if she spoke to him. He never said she was attractive. He'd 'talk down' or embarrass her around family, friends, or casual acquaintances. She no longer enjoyed sex with him and felt he only 'turned on' the affection if he wanted sex. Intimacy no longer felt like an expression of love or affection to her, but she instead felt like he was being manipulative. He confirmed he still loved her, as she did him, but then he said, "I told her I loved her when we married. I don't think I need to keep telling her that every day." He was wrong. He did need to keep telling her he loved her...and often. Such simple three words to say. He needed to keep telling her how much he loved her, acknowledging the good things she did, and the special things he loved about her, in order to rebuild a joyful relationship. He needed to treat her as he had early in their relationship, as the 'one to catch', with the same tenderness, love, excitement, and behavior that had won her heart. Instead, his lack of kindness and appreciative loving communication screamed that he had, indeed, become a real jerk just as she'd claimed. She heard, and understood, his message loud and clear. I don't recall any feedback from the video we'd watched, but I do recall telling myself, "I don't want to make that mistake with my wife or ever make her feel unloved or unvalued." I also was puzzled as to the reasons how a person we love deeply in our lives... loved enough to ask them to walk with us through life, could turn from a loving relationship into one that was hate-filled or despised. After decades of counseling, both for couples and individuals, I truly believe that transition from love to hatred comes due to miscommunication and disrespect. It boils down to the things we say and do daily... and the skills we learn, or don't learn, and how we communicate love and respect to others. My youngest son and his wife had known each other for a while, but when they began exclusively dating, her approach caught him off-guard. He laughingly tells the story of how the sushi arrived on their 'first formal date', and she asked him, straight-faced, “Where do you see this date going? What is it that you’re hoping to achieve?” It intrigued him that this woman was so forthright and open to true discussion of who they were and their expectations without any facades. They’ve been married for decades now. They’re still nuts about each other and know each other well. They are committed to the person they knew before marriage, as there were no gimmicks from day one. No dishonesty. Whether they agree or disagree with each other, they try to work things out as they care more about their partner than personal or others’ views. They know each other well. “Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." (Blaise Pascal) Want to get started to build a stronger relationship? Begin the journey by developing stronger communication skills! Remove distractions, sit down, and make a list of what, to you, shows caring. Ask your partner to do that same. No matter how uncomfortable you feel initially, take time to spend along together, and make a list for each other. Start with a lined piece of paper with the title “ I FEEL CARED ABOUT WHEN …” and list ten ways you feel cared about. (Want to save time? Download our form ) On your list, write the things that make you feel loved and cared about. This next part is vital. Make sure that the things you write down are honest and positive (no room for ‘ dirty positives ’ here…as those are like constant knife cuts that wound. No room for dishonesty or flattery that isn't true, as that creates distrust). Be specific (concrete, not general) and list small things. Keep it short and sweet. We want actions and gestures that are simple enough to be performed daily, not financially burdensome or intensely time-consuming, and can be built into positive habits. (Read more about ' Dirty-Positives' here .) Make sure that the action is NOT the subject of a recent conflict; if there was a spat about something in the past couple of weeks, don’t include it on the list, no matter how good it would feel to push that button. Good examples to list are simple actions such as “kiss me goodnight” or “keep a can of soda in the fridge for me,” instead of dead-in-the-water entries like “buy me a new car,” “solve the conflicts of the world” or “don'ts.” ("Don't shop so much", "Don't spend so much time with your friends," etc.). The first two hit all of our criteria; the last three are functionally impossible or detrimental to any relationship.. For a list of 75 simple ideas to consider, Click Here List ten items that, to you, reflect love or caring. List more, if you want your partner to have even more choices and information about actions & words that communicate caring to you. The goal is to give your partner a list with many options, enough that they can do multiple actions daily, not necessarily every action. You can also choose different items daily to create variety to show caring acts of love toward your partner. Ask that your partner also make a list of what represents caring and love to them, as this is a two-way street. If you both follow the criteria, you’ll be AMAZED at how easy it is to do and how much it means to your partner... and to you. And to top it off, if it’s positive and focused on making your partner happy, it can also be a lot of fun for both of you. Add to the list as your relationship deepens and you realize your partner is the #1 person in the world. It’s renewing to a relationship if you both seek simple ways to show and reinforce your love for each other in the ways the other understands is totally for them. Carry the list with you. Do the little things as part of your life… not as big grand gestures, but as simple acts of love. "Showing people that we love them in little ways that we know they interpret as love are one of the easiest and richest gifts we have to give.” (Clifton Fuller) Making sure you’re giving the right kind of candy also works with others, including children, friends, other family members and even co-workers! Listen to what they are trying to tell you about themselves and what's important to them! Download the “I feel cared about when…” forms by clicking below: ~Wife Caring Deeds Form ~ Husband Caring Deeds Form ~Caring Deeds Form (Child, Friend, Co-Worker) Communication is the key! Use it to enrich your life and the lives of others.

Telehealth (virtual healthcare, which includes tele-counseling and teletherapy via video or phone) has new research about the pros and cons. What we now know. Tele-counseling, tele-coaching, and telehealth provide easy access to professional services previously not easily available. Due to the increased accessibility of tele-counseling (also called "teletherapy" "virtual counseling" or "telehealth"), more people report feeling "safe" in seeking counseling care, which has helped save lives and prevented struggles from becoming life crises. Many report they live in isolated or rural areas, or have difficulty traveling, now easily obtain care when needed. What are the facts regarding online counseling services by a 'live counselor' (telecounseling) vs in-office counseling? What are the facts about counseling using Ai? Telehealth (tele-counseling and virtual healthcare via video or phone) has been utilized for counseling and medical care for years, but practitioners and clients seldom used it during its initial stages of development. During the onset of the COVID pandemic in 2019, many medical and mental health professionals were forced to move online due to healthcare concerns to avoid clients’ exposure to COVID-19, as well as service providers and their staff's exposure, and because no one knew exactly the consequences or contagion of the virus. Virtual counseling allows those facing crisis to obtain needed help quickly, without long waits or travel times. Before telehealth or telecounseling virtual healthcare, patients often had to wait for long periods, even months, to access critically needed care from specialists or highly trained professionals. This resulted in lowered quality of care. Telehealth and telecounseling have helped to address that problem. When patients can seek care quickly, it often results in more significant positive outcomes, less expense for the patient, and less time needed for care. Through telehealth and telecounseling in the past few years, clients and professionals have discovered some surprisingly unexpected pros, as well as cons, of online medical and counseling care. Each person must weigh and decide for themselves if telehealth or telecounseling is right for them. Data indicates that telehealth and telecounseling will become increasingly commonplace in the next few years, especially as new internet access becomes available in rural areas. These areas did not have access that populated urban areas did to internet availability. Rural areas continued to be underserved due to limited access to professionals who office or provide services in many rural areas, contributing to a lesser quality of care. Telehealth has changed those conditions and made needed services more available to rural (or isolated) individuals and families. However, surprisingly, many patients in urban areas have also adopted and indicated a preference for telehealth due to its convenience and results. By 2020, telehealth became a significant business entity, attracting formerly unavailable professionals. Updated results show the same: ~2022 (+14%, post-pandemic stabilization); ~2023 (+17.7%, with 365 million people using telecounseling services, telecounseling filled gaps caused by therapist shortages, people were comfortable using telehealth as they saw its effectiveness and convenience, 310 million people used telecounseling services) ~2024 (28.22 % with 468 million using telecounseling services, demand surged due to rising global mental‑health needs, major spike in online searches for mental‑health support.) ~2025 (22.8% with 575 million people using telecounseling, usage expanded for tele‑psychiatry and telecounseling as standard options worldwide.) ~2026 (20% increase projected: Growth continues as virtual mental‑health becomes the preferred first step for care, especially among younger generations or older populations comfortable with computers. Access to teletherapy increased. 690+ million people projected to use telecounseling.) Telecounseling has also increased due to insurance companies understanding the impact and success of the therapy. Insurance coverage of telehealth services came in distinct waves: ~Wave 1: Early, Limited Coverage (2017–2019) due to covid pandemic. ~Wave 2: The Big Shift — Full Coverage Begins (2020–2021) ~Wave 3: Permanent Coverage & Expansion (2022–2024) ~Wave 4: Integration & Hybrid Care (2025–2026) Tele‑mental‑health is now one of the most consistently covered behavioral‑health services worldwide. Virtual healthcare, coaching & counseling have positively impacted Veterans ability to obtain needed care. Patients also have increased their access to previously unavailable professionals. The Department of Veteran Affairs runs one of the most extensive telehealth programs worldwide and plans to expand its services to veterans. They discovered that telehealth for veterans with depression was as effective as in-office therapy. (Lancet Psychiatry study). Additional research showed that telecounseling health provided to children, young people, and adults demonstrates that interventions are feasible, acceptable, and effective as in-person services. A recent meta-analysis of telehealth treatments (from Telehealth mental health services during COVID-19: summary of evidence and clinical practice - PMC ( nih.gov ) reported its effectiveness for adults (including veterans) with mental health disorders (e.g., depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, and adjustment disorder). Most studies consistently find that telephone or videoconferencing therapy has been as effective as standard in-person treatment and superior to treatment. Both interventions showed clear, consistent evidence of beneficial effects. Results were rated as moderate to high. What do other data and feedback resources indicate? Virtual teletherapy increased access to services by qualified professionals to those with previously limited care. Mental health services will increase in telehealth more than medical services. AI (artificial intelligence, artificial, non-licensed, 'bots') may provide some resources, however, there are risks and warnings about its viability and ethical concerns for clients. Re: Cambridge University Research Study Re: Time Article Report Re: Psychology Today and article #2 Re: Brown Williams Re: Stanford and Stanford HAI More mental health practitioners are needed. (Over 111 million people live in areas lacking mental healthcare providers and services, per Dept of Health & Human Services, April 10, 2020). CMS, Medicare, Medicaid, and other insurance carriers recognize that telehealth can address that shortage by giving patients access to healthcare providers by not being limited to location or scarcity of providers in their area. In May 2022, 49 states covered Medicaid for mental health; 30 states and DC require private insurers to provide telehealth coverage. As of early 2026, all 50 states and Washington, D.C. provide Medicaid coverage for tele‑mental‑health services, and the majority of states now require private insurers to cover telehealth, with many enforcing payment parity for behavioral‑health services.” As increased " Licensure Portability Laws " are enacted, indicators are that citizens in underserved areas will be able to receive increased availability to care, from out-of-state licensed professionals if there is a shortage of professionals licensed in their state. Limitations of physical office location access break down former barriers and boundaries to care. Geography no longer limits access to quality providers or plays the significant role it used to play. Consumers can now talk from the comfort of their homes or offices. Geography no longer limits patient care to a nearby location to obtain high-quality care. State Licensing laws limit access in some states where states limit professionals providing telehealth services to clients/patients only in their state. Licensed professionals in some states have no ‘reciprocal’ licensure standards. In Texas (as of May 2022), licensed counselors can only provide counseling services to Texas residents (even though those residents may be anywhere in the state, which is still favorable). Even if consults may be allowed for non-counseling issues, counseling out-of-state is not permitted. Insurance companies recognize the cost savings of telehealth in providing both standard and preventive care and are expected to continue coverage for telehealth services. Preventative maintenance (or services provided in the early stages of medical or mental health concerns) results in shorter treatment times and increased outcomes for success. Patients have become more proactive in their healthcare delivery choices, and teletherapy is expected to increase from an estimated 250,000 patients in 2013 to 3.2 million in 2018 and even greater numbers in 2022. Cisco data indicates that 74% of consumers in the United States would use teletherapy services, 70% are very comfortable communicating with their healthcare providers online, 80% had no concerns about submitting medical information online to secure portals, More age groups than just Millennials or Gen-Xers feel comfortable using telehealth. PwC’s Health research showed that 73% of consumers aged 18-44 prefer telehealth, and 43% of patients 45 and older prefer virtual mental health sessions via telehealth rather than in-office appointments. Even baby boomers are now welcoming telehealth, as they are familiar with FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom video meetings with family, friends, and especially grandkids! Factors in preferring telehealth include accessibility, patients don’t have to take off work or alter their schedules as much to acquire services, substantial environmental savings (gas, transportation, uniforms/clothing, meals, etc.), the ability to schedule online rather than having to book via secretary or office administrators, ability to use the phone to schedule appointments easily, no boundaries such as in former ‘brick and mortar location access, increased time savings (not having to travel to/from offices, high-traffic-issues, not having to wait for extended periods in an office lobby…and not having to read out-dated magazines in the office lobby?:) Many clients book appointments before or after work hours, before going home in the evenings, or before work begins. It provides an uninterrupted space and time for healthcare without interrupting normal family activities and privacy. High-traffic time delays utilized previously drive to/from medical/mental healthcare providers’ offices before/after work. During the pandemic, many people began to work from home. This convenience flowed into telehealth services, as well. This continues to be a cost-effective system for workers and businesses in many cases. Elderly individuals with limited mobility or access,  housebound individuals, handicapped, or those with mental health issues (who fear or have anxiety regarding travel, agoraphobia, PTSD, etc.) also benefit from regular services accessible via telehealth. Continuity of care is greater with telehealth, especially in addressing depression, anxiety, PTSD, phobias, and other chronic conditions. The stigma of seeking mental health care (or being seen in a physical office by others) is removed with telehealth. This increases the likelihood of seeking needed care and may also increase confidentiality. In the past, consumers may have been unable to access needed healthcare as they could not take off work for appointments. With telehealth, especially if providers provide extended evening or weekend hours, these issues are often addressed for those clients. When care doesn’t affect the ability of a consumer to earn their salary, and they are not docked for missed work times, it can make a big difference in seeking needed care. Video telehealth is preferred over the phone (by both consumers and practitioners), providing more personalized care. Mental health professionals prefer video telehealth as it allows them to communicate directly and see and respond to patients’ body language indicators unable to be seen in phone calls. With written permission (by HIPAA laws) and knowledge of who will be attending a session, patients now have the option to allow their sessions to include healthcare providers while also having other professionals (providing continuity of care for the patient, such as s psychiatrist, physician, counselor or an attorney) to be ‘added via phone.’ This allows patients to see the counseling professional while hearing continuity of care plans and discussions between professionals for their care. This must be agreed on by all parties, in writing, involved before the session. By having telehealth available, climate or weather difficulties do not hinder care as much. If storms occur, telehealth is often still accessible, even if a patient cannot physically travel snowy or icy roads if raining outside, or if significant highways or roads are under construction (or have wrecks causing) shutdowns). A negative: Telehealth is dependent on internet access. Legislators and funding are being passed to address that issue to increase internet access across the United States, allowing greater telehealth access. Telehealth allows access to personal patients, insurance, and provider savings costs for delivery and services. Research indicates fewer cancellations or no-shows are reported in telehealth than in-office sessions. Telehealth often utilizes HIPAA-compliant systems that include secure patient messaging, secure document storage and retrieval, automated appointment reminders, and even access to schedule appointments in available times 24/7 (even provider’s offices are closed). Patients reported less time playing ‘telephone tag’ to obtain licenses when they can schedule online. Telehealth often allows intakes and all forms to be done online, enabling providers to review the information before sessions. This saves time for patients and providers, allowing for a more direct focus to address the patient’s specific needs much more quickly. Telehealth may be initially complex for new clients to utilize; clients may have a negative view of the actual success telehealth has been shown to have or may prefer in-person care as that is the method of care they are most used to or comfortable with receiving. For those individuals, in-person care may be the care they should seek. If willing to learn the initial methods of telecare, they are often later happier with telehealth care. They recognize that obtaining necessary care online through face-to-face telehealth sessions may save them time, cost, and energy. Resources of the above information: Telehealth mental health services during COVID-19: summary of evidence and clinical practice - PMC ( nih.gov ) as well as MEDLINE, PsycINFO, Cochrane, and PubMed databases

Who does, and who doesn't, benefit from owning a pet? A 2016 study by the Human and Animal Bond Research Institute  reported that pets contribute to creating a stronger sense of identity of who we are, reducing negative perceptions about ourselves even in the presence of mental illness. Pets provide a sense of security and routine in our relationships with them. This leads us to more stable thinking and the ability to concentrate. Pets also provide a distraction and the disruption of attention to negative thoughts about ourselves. Because we must care for and exercise pets, such as a dog, we may need to physically exercise and walk the dog, which is a strong motivator to get outside ourselves. Some pets will wake us up in the morning, as does a baby or young child, and tending to their needs may even help set a routine for our day. Pets can be a buffer against loneliness as they help reduce stress and lower symptoms of anxiety and depression. We’ve always heard that “A dog is man’s best friend” (first recorded as being said in 1789 by King Frederick of Prussia because he felt a dog was the only person or thing that wouldn’t betray him for his crown or personal gain). Well, Frederick was way off base, and we may need to revise our thinking on that a bit as research shows that it’s women who may benefit most from the “relaxing influences of dogs more than men do.” Pets and Veterans Help Each and Others Animals can help alleviate pain related to arthritis in the elderly, and trained animals (also often owned by someone who has trained their pet under AKC Therapy Dog guidelines ) are often taken into assisted living and elder living care facilities where residents can interact with these mild-mannered animals. A person who may find exercises difficult to do may be more willing to engage in the same motions, such as petting, grooming, or walking a dog, which helps them exercise without feeling the pain or as much pain. Pet care also helps in blood circulation, mobility, social interaction, and engagement with others. A pet often causes moments of comic relief as we watch and laugh at their antics. The more we laugh, the more likely our pets will try to entertain us, as pets can ‘read’ our moods. Laughter  reduces stress and anxiety and heals our bodies and minds. Pets help us physically when we exercise with them. About 60% of people who walk their dogs meet the criteria for regular moderate exercise which has powerful benefits for mental and physical health. Owners of dogs and cats have lower blood pressure than non-pet owners and have a significantly lower risk of death due to stroke and heart attack as they age. Service dogs are highly effective in the treatment of ADHD, autism, dementia, and Alzheimer's. Pets can be very “present.” These specially trained dogs will sit with people who are suffering and can be very loving and attentive. The pet you choose must have the temperament you need to be effective. We all know there are guard dogs and service dogs that play very different roles  in people’s lives. A guard dog provides a sense of security or protection, while a trained service animal provides a sense of support. Some are even trained to alert their owners if a seizure is about to occur. An NIH study  reported that “Scientists found an oxytocin positive feedback loop between dogs and humans [ 18 ], a hormone that plays an important role in the development of human bonds, leading to the belief that the bond between dog and human can also act as social support for humans. Further, studies show that dogs offer a certain kind of social support for owners and that the animal relationship diminishes negative emotions resulting from rejection experiences [ 19 ]. Participants in the cited study report less depression, less loneliness, and greater subjective happiness. In addition, dogs make a unique contribution to the well-being of their owners beyond simply substituting for peer social support [ 19 ].” A pet care for will probably love you unconditionally. It’s important to choose the right pet. Since a pet is a long-term commitment, do your research before impulsively adding a pet to your family. Adopting that cute little puppy may not be the best choice if that little puppy is going to become a large, 150-pound dog that will need a lot of exercise, and you live in a tiny apartment! Owning a pet requires responsibility, as pets are dependent upon their human owners and must be cared for appropriately. Studies  tell us diabetic teens are more likely to keep their weekly test logs when caring for a fish that must be fed a measured amount of fish flakes daily and have their water changed each week. Even a small pet, like a fish, can bring order and routine to our lives. Pets need us and reward us by being present and responding to our attention and our needs. The mental and physical benefits of owning pets are well documented and can be a very positive addition to our lives. Owning a pet can force us to exercise, force us into a routine, and help us become more responsible human beings. You have to get back home to take care of the pets. They need you, and you may need them. Pets are fun but also a responsibility. There are some other important factors to consider before owning a pet: Do you have allergies? Select pets that do not activate those allergies. Is your child begging for a pet, but you know you will be the one caring for the pet and are already juggling many responsibilities? Let your child walk the neighbor’s dog and ‘puppy sit’ for friends for extended periods of time, which will help your child recognize the reality of caring for a pet. Set goals with your child so they can work to earn the money they will need to care for a pet and recognize pets include a financial investment to care for them. Are you financially able to care for a pet? Costs may include food, veterinarian bills, vaccinations, toys, bedding, leashes, added expenses if traveling, cost of lodging, etc. Do you have the physical stamina to care for a pet personally? Are you able to exercise and daily care for your pet? Do you live in an apartment or housing that does not allow pets or does not have enough space to care for a pet effectively? Do you travel a lot? Who will care for your pet while you travel if you are unable to take your pet with you? Pets are a long-term commitment, as some live for decades. Understand your own physical health, lifestyle, and financial abilities as you consider owning a pet long-term. If you care about pets but are unable to care for them… consider volunteering at local animal care facilities or working part-time at a pet store to be able to enjoy pets but so you will not take them home with you in the evening or have the responsibility of caring for them 24/7. Clifton Fuller quote about Pets More Info: How to select a pet for an aging person ( AgingCare.com ): Animal Health Foundation : Eight Health Benefits of having a pet NIH.Gov : Pets in the Workplace Human and Animal Bond  (2016 Research) PetMD.com : Ten Things to Consider Before Bringing a Pet Home Difference between a Service Dog and a Guard Dog Pets in the Workplace ? Find out if it's a good decision for you and your workplace. Pets in the Workplace : From a Business Perspective

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COUNSELOR AND A COACH? Counseling addresses Past & Present mental health issues. Coaching Set Goals for Present & Future Life. Many people ask this question as they seek help in life. "Do I need a counselor, or do I need a life coach?" Once we understand the difference, it is much easier to seek the type of care or support we want or need. I liken the difference to going to physical therapy versus going to the gym. Both help us grow stronger. One is from necessity to repair something that has been damaged; the other comes from a desire to be better and grow stronger. We can compare counseling as going to physical therapy , except we have experienced a mental health injury that needs direction and time to heal and repair itself, rather than what physical therapy would do for our bodies. Counseling helps people understand 'why' and who want to address or repair an issue that is causing them pain or impacting their ability to move forward. Counseling addresses mental health or familial issues, communication that has, or is, causing conflict, and current concerns undermining life. It's to understand how the past has, or is impacting our thinking, behaviors, and current life. Counseling may deal with simple issues or deep traumas. Counseling will have a diagnosis. We can compare coaching as going to the gym . It's voluntary and makes a person stronger, keeping them on track. It's setting up a work-out plan with accountability, goals, and progress noted. The coach guides us in self-awareness of how we want to move forward. It's obtaining new strengths by understanding how our minds work most effectively. Just as the exercises we do at a gym help us either tone, strengthen, or sculpt our bodies, life coaches can help us understand and set reachable goals to become stronger mentally, based upon the specific goals we want to set in our lives. Coaching helps people look from the present forward and fine-tune changes which will positively impact their future. Coaching does not include a mental health diagnosis. Coaching may be long-term support system that keeps a client on-track, happily moving forward with accountability and identification of how they address self-esteem issues, their work or job performance and satisfaction, and learning skills to build stronger relationships. Licensed therapists  must meet their specific state's requirements to be licensed to counsel people with mental health diagnoses. Licensed therapists must obtain an advanced graduate degree and then must qualify for and be approved for supervision as interns. Each prospective therapist must have an internship practicum (usually 3,000+ counseling hours under supervision), adding several additional years after graduate school before establishing their career. Supervisors must be state approved. After completing an internship, prospective therapists must pass their state’s licensing board exams and apply before receiving licensures. States may also require ongoing training (continuing education units or CEUs) throughout a therapist’s career, depending upon their state licensing board’s requirements. Licensed therapists provide mental health services with a diagnosis. In-person & telehealth have proven effective. Licensed therapists treat people whose ability to function is impaired by the client’s condition, which will carry a diagnosis. Therapists' and healthcare professionals’ services are eligible for insurance coverage, depending upon the diagnosis and insurance company. Even though the "licensure portability" laws are constantly changing, most therapists are allowed by their licensing boards to counsel residents in their state of licensure. In most states, a therapist can apply to provide counseling services to residents residing in other states where the counselor makes an application and is granted temporary licensure based upon portability laws in the additional states, usually where there is a shortage of licensed mental health practitioners and usually for telehealth services. Therapists may address issues such as depression, divorce, family counseling, self-esteem, personality disorders, anxiety, anger issues, phobias, communication issues, pre-marital or marital situations, parenting, stages of development, trauma, PTSD, conflict resolution within a family system, abuse, school issues, panic attacks, pain management, or other mental health issues. Coaches specialize in different areas to address different life goals for their clients. Life coaches  (& other types of certified coaches) help people who want to improve performance in a specific area (or areas) of their life or to be more successful and happier in life. They understand the significance of setting and achieving goals. Most coaches specialize in an area in which they have experience or training. Coaches carry a certification (not required in all states) rather than a license from a state licensing board. Life coaches are not eligible for insurance reimbursement and are paid out of pocket by their clients. Certified Life Coaches (or coaches certified in other areas, such as “Professional Organizer” coaches, and “Business Coaches”, etc. may practice coaching for residents of any state. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream! (C.S. Lewis) Coaches can help clients build self-confidence & identify strengths, be a motivator, help clients set goals for self-improvement, assist in job performance improvement or job changes, help to begin a business, assist in learning time-management skills, help clients build positive relationships and balance in life, assist in financial planning, help in career development, improving life, improve health and well-being, unlock creativity, and gain overall clarity. A difference between a therapist and a life coach is similar to a person going to a licensed physical therapist for physical therapy rehabilitation versus going to a personal trainer to become physically fit. Some people see both a therapist and a coach simultaneously, such as counseling with a therapist to address mental health counseling issues while also seeing a life coach for non-counseling goals. Compare what counselors do and what coaches do. Comparisons: What's the Difference? Treat mental health issues: Counselor-Yes; Coach-No Usually covered by insurance: Counselor-Yes; Coach-No Can be seen by out-of-state clients: Counselor-No; Coach-Yes Can be seen by clients worldwide: Counselor-No; Coach-Yes Graduate degree required: Counselor-Yes; Coach-No Provide diagnosis: Counselor-Yes; Coach-No State licensure required to practice: Counselor-Yes; Coach-No Clients self-pay: Counselor-Yes (may be covered by insurance); Coach-Yes Certification required: Counselor-No (unless therapist voluntarily adds areas of specialty certification for expertise); Coach-recommended, not required. Counseling is usually reactive to life events, whereas Coaching is usually proactive in reaching life goals. The goal in counseling is to address the issues and be out of counseling as quickly as possible. Counseling is often reactive , which means that clients seek care after they've had a crisis or conflict, know a relationship is on the rocks, or have suffered a trauma. They "react" to a life event or situation to address that situation. It often deals with past issues that were never addressed or which a client still carries that contribute to their current situation. Sometimes great changes and growth are obtained through counseling, and it may be life-changing. It does involve a commitment on the part of all clients involved, or progress will be limited if there is resistance by one or multiple parties. In counseling, clients can learn skills to handle life situations effectively in the future, as well as manage daily life effectively. Most counseling clients obtain counseling until they believe they have addressed "the issue" and usually do not seek long-term counseling care unless they are addressing a long-term mental health issue. If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things. (Albert Einstein) Coaching, in comparison, is usually proactive . This means that it tends to be a forward-focused, conscious decision to improve life, and usually involves a great deal of "I want to do this" commitment and choice on the part of the client. It may involve addressing things that a person believes may be holding them back. It is a vision that looks toward the future with a coach helping the client identify and make an obtainable plan with steps to reach that vision along the way. It may be baby steps taken to build a higher quality of life and move forward. Most coaching clients commit to regular (usually weekly) scheduled time spent in coaching. Some highly successful individuals, as well as businesses, seek coaching on a regular, ongoing basis as an important part of their lives which often leads to great success and life-long happiness. They consider coaching as an important planning and goal-setting part of their lives, just as exercising regularly, building stronger social skills, improving conflict resolution skills, or improving communication skills are...as each of these addresses life skills. By allowing coaching to be part of their lives, pressure to "reach goals quickly" is removed, which allows them to understand themselves to a greater extent, provides flexibility to shift goals as their life unfolds, and creates an ability to build a more relaxed relationship with their coach as they focus on the client's growth. You don’t have to be great to get started, but you do have to get started to be great. (Les Brown) Change in life may be difficult for some, but for others, it is transformative. One decision can impact life in extremely positive (or negative) ways that last a lifetime. Even if past choices have placed us in situations we want to be out of, sometimes it takes some outside help, as well as self-determination, to make and maintain change until it becomes a habit that is no longer difficult to maintain. We don't get stronger by laying in the water, but when we push against the water (resistance, determination, the goal), we become stronger, learn to swim, and may even win swimming races. And we become healthier in the process. Life changes work the same way. Sometimes we are too close to be able to "see the forest for the trees." Coaching or counseling professionals may be able to help us unlock roadblocks and see a different vision of how to handle situations or even how to see or rethink our views of those same situations. Virtual Coaching (& Coffee!) with Clifton Fuller I have been a licensed mental health professional since the 1980s. My team calls me the "puzzle master" as I try to help my clients find solutions and understand why the puzzle pieces of their lives aren't working well, don't fit together, or how to make the puzzle of their life situations, or relationships work more effectively. In my coaching, I try to help my clients see themselves more clearly, positively, and to set very specific goals to move forward. Please let me know if you need help with mental health issues or are seeking greater life satisfaction through coaching. If you're seeking coaching, please contact us for information about our special "Virtual Coaching & Coffee with Clifton Fuller" programs.

Happy New Year! We decide how we use time in our life to improve life. We all know the drill by now…a New Year, new resolutions. Wouldn’t it be great to celebrate every day like we do New Year’s...a "start-over" of the year, focusing on changing habits to try to make life better. It's all about “New Year, New Day, New Changes” We make changes every day, why not just admit they are mini-resolutions or mini-goals to live a better life? Why not decide to make them stick this time? It may be easier than you think! Every day begins something new, whether it's a new year...or not. We can't undo the past, but we can decide to do something new this year and it all begins with a choice today. It's not that it's a special day to start. It's that we start each day as if it were special. It's a conscious decision to decide the path of your life, baby-step at a time. Think it through! Take tiny steps, consistently and daily for greater success in reaching your goals! If you’re older, you may still feel the pressure to make a big, sweeping change in your life, to finally fix the ONE THING that’s been holding you back from success, or money, or love. We’ve all done this before: set goals for ourselves and bail on them in a month or two for a multitude of reasons. Too hard. Too painful. Too tiring. Too much rejection or resistance. Too much effort? Life is our open book and only we can fill its pages. We do that daily. A New Year IS an opportunity! The New Year is as good a time as any to make a change in life. Even if you didn't begin on the new year, don’t wait for an event to start changing, START NOW...START TODAY. Some people don’t make an effort to make resolutions, and of the vast majority who do, around 90% drop them early. Why? The hard truth is that we, as humans, attach importance to patterns. We make traditions, form little rituals, even when they seem innocuous. We like to get coffee the same way, around the same time, from the same little cafe, every morning. We may even feel strangely off-kilter when we don’t. You can't undo the past, but you can learn from it. A swimmer only becomes stronger by meeting water's resistance. A bodybuilder becomes stronger by lifting weights. Those ideas or habits that we consider to be "normal" are called "homeostasis", that we will reset to. Patterns of behavior matter to us. Humans are creatures of habit, and change is difficult. Before we get too down on ourselves, however, let’s set some ground rules. Some people tell themselves the lie that "resolutions never work anyway. Why go to the trouble of making them?" You’re different and wiser now than you were before because you know the routine, can count all the times you made resolutions and didn't keep them, and maybe even identify the reasons you didn't keep those former resolutions. This time don't brush off those former resolution missteps as an excuse to avoid making resolutions (or goals) . Instead, consider those '"former resolution failures" as valuable learning experiences that instead form the basis for life lessons. That training, even if unpleasant, prepared you for this year and your life in some way. Turn former failures into the mindset that they instead offer an opportunity to be stronger, change, educate yourself, and learn from those experiences. "A clear vision, backed by definite plans, gives you a tremendous feeling of confidence and personal power." ~Brian Tracy If you look at any successful professional, any successful marriage or relationship, any successful business, you will see each sets reachable goals and makes focused plans to be successful. Their goal acquisitions include step-by-step plans and outlines, usually written, which reinforces the goals in our minds. Resolutions are simply goals. Goal setting includes changes and improvement. Resolutions do, as well. The thing you can and have the power to change is the WAY you think about change . Keep in mind that the "circumstances" of our lives may not change much. There will always be stress, responsibilities, decisions that need to be made in an instant, and those decisions and situations may come when you feel the least capable of handling them. These moments of stress will spook us into reverting to previous habits, the things that gave us comfort, the patterns of behavior that we’ve set as our standard responses to them, even if those habits were ineffective previously. Don't fall prey to those impulses. Stay focused! Recognize that your determination is a true strength. Resolutions are simply utilizing goal-setting skills that have proven successful to many individuals, businesses, and professionals. It's important to focus on changing OUR patterns of behavior , instead of trying to change others or the world. Change yourself; tap into your inner control and move forward. In AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), and some other 12-step sobriety programs, there is a mantra, "One Day at a Time". It lets people know that they will remain sober by making a choice to get through each day, each moment, denying themselves a drink in order to overcome the addition of alcohol. They make a plan to conquer each moment and then are rewarded by acquiring a sobriety chip that signifies their duration of sobriety. The chip starts with 24-hour achievement (immediately rewarding for the most difficult day), then moves in years, even decades of keeping a promise not to drink. It symbolizes commitment and encouragement for the journey to sobriety. The wisdom behind the acknowledgement of failure, commitment to change, and small rewards is a healthy mental regain of control over life and actions. And the good thing is that this phenomenal philosophy can be applied to all areas of life. A sobriety chip reminds those in recovery (and we are all in some type of recovery from addictive behaviors, whether physical or mental), that they/we can do this and can overcome a behavior that once was negatively impacting, destructive or impairing to our self-worth or relationships. The chip proves to them that they can accomplish their goal (resolution) and how long they've done so. That's a big deal! Yet they are doing it successfully by realizing that it's the tiny steps (each choice) they consistently make that is allowing them to be in control and that is positively transforming their lives. That's a powerful, life-changing realization. The chips are physical reminders of progress and achievements and are often celebrated with others. Having the support of another person, or multiple people, shows that you are making yourself accountable for a specific behavior or behaviors. It also means you have a team behind you, cheering for your success. The same thing applies to resolutions. The small, consistent, daily choices are the ones that will turn our lives around positively. Depending on your kind of resolution, that will sound easy to accept, if you’re making a change like “I want to lose weight,” or “I want to get fit,” you can do it easier than if you aim higher and attempt to make changes that also involve other's changing. “I want to make a difference in a system of economic exploitation that has endured for longer than I have been alive” may be more of a challenge and more difficult to reach. It can be done but recognize it will be a comprehensive plan that will require extended time and effort. Your present circumstance does not determine where you can go, they only determine your starting point. The world has a sense of homeostasis, too, and it is going to enforce those old rules with great resistance. A large organization, business, family group, or the world may be resistant to change, even when in their best interests to do so. If you want change in the new year, you are the one you should focus on to make needed changes. And a positive side impact of this is: when someone changes, even if initially met with resistance, over time, those around the one who changes will likely begin to change, even if slowly or even if only slightly. Don't bank on others changing. Focus your efforts on YOU...that's the source of your strength and success. Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together." ~Vincent Van Gogh Set resolutions for the right reasons, be smart about how to go about it, and wrap your mind around what is needed to pull it off. Start small. Look at concepts and ideas and options before hiring that personal trainer, scheduling liposuction, or deciding to move to a new state to start over. Wisdom beats impulsivity. “Before you make a decision, ask yourself this question: will you regret the results or rejoice in them?” ―  Rob Liano No matter what your desired change is, the first thing that you need to ask yourself is, “ What do I want, and why ?” If you want to drop some pounds, why? For your health? To be more attractive? To compete in a marathon? Take steps to reach your goal, no matter how small they may seem at the time. Those steps become habits in your life and are the foundation for who you become. All of these reasons are valid, but they have different requirements for the second question; “ What skills, money, effort, and commitment will it take ?” You won’t be running 26 miles if you don’t know how to run without hurting yourself. You’ll need to teach your body how to endure the strain, and that will take time, consistency, and discipline. If your change is “I want to get a raise at work,” you’ll battle against things like market forces, competitive coworkers, and that one boss you really dislike. You may not have the resources that you need to win that battle, but you can change the rules of engagement. You can instead determine that you want to be more assertive, better at your job, the kind of person that demands to be paid what you are worth. That change may require things like confidence, better time management, improved work skills (whether it’s making latte art or compiling expense reports, doesn’t matter), and the mental strength to acquire or build those skills. If you don’t have those assets to spare, if you haven’t developed them yet, that does NOT mean that you’ve failed. It means you need to change your sense of homeostasis to accommodate them . Seek the help you need to acquire the skills, as it will pay off for you in the future. Find free resources in your community, from business groups, your chambers of commerce, educational community groups, or online training or information that will be of value. Stop thinking in terms of “I Want” and start thinking in terms of “I Am Going To.”   The least that we can do, if we’re changing ourselves, is to be assertive. We’re in control of this change, after all, so let’s use that by setting goals and setting them realistically. Assertiveness is not aggression; it is determination, having a goal in mind (& written down), and recognizing the steps or paths to reach that goal. If you are unsure, engaging the help of a counselor or life coach may save you time, money and effort in "making a focused plan" to reach your specific goals. If a goal that pops in mind, using the same examples, is along the lines of, “I am going to lose 50 pounds,” slow down. That’s a very difficult goal to reach because it’s too far in the future, it’s too much of an “End State.” If you lose 40 pounds, you’re still lagging behind. Instead, set a goal that you can do NOW. Goals like, “I am going to take a walk” or “I’m going to eat more vegetables and less butter,” you can do that during lunch. Do it every day, and it becomes a ritual. It becomes a pattern of behavior. It becomes the new normal, a new homeostasis. If your goal is to lose 50 pounds this year, break it down into a daily "mini-steps" plan to reach that goal, such as limiting daily calories, exercising daily, regular sleep schedule, discontinued alcohol consumption, etc. We’re not looking for goals that we can reach, we’re looking for goals that we can DO. To reach goals, time to renew and refresh. It will strengthen and energize you. If we’re going to DO, then we’re going to DO IT AS HARD AS WE CAN, right? The folks that get fit are the ones that hit the gym on day one and keep hitting it 7 days a week, right? NO! Take it slower initially, "self-correct" if needed, and be willing to adjust a bit if you hit snags. Pace yourself. Exert yourself; don't hurt yourself. Your mind needs time to adjust to the new normal, and we’re going to keep encouraging it to reach our realistic goals. We want to give ourselves rewards along the way, instead of at the end, and affirmation is the first reward. Give yourself a pat on the back when you do a goal or do it a little longer than you did yesterday. Having a strong support network will dramatically increase your chances of reaching your goals. We all benefit from a cheering support network; whether one person or a group of people...people that we trust to keep us encouraged and tell us we can do it! Tell friends about your new normal, encourage them in kind, share your progress. Make it a fun game, stay positive and keep hitting those steps toward your goals, making that your new normal. Seek coaching or counseling support, if needed, to keep on track. Keep track of your progress, start a diary, spreadsheet, a journal (several are available at FullerPublishing.com ). Update it so you can look back and brag later. Journals can also become personal future guides for yourself...or even others...as they seek goals. Writing and documenting your progress is an excellent way to measure that progress in ways that are useful and reinforcing as your changes become habits. As you accumulate repeated, small steps, they begin to build upon each other (like the concept of accrual interest in a bank account. Ever little bit adds up!) Sleep helps your heart, your mood, regulates blood sugar, help your body heal, restores your immune system, improves mental health, helps maintain weight, and releases stress through REM sleep times. And if that progress starts to backslide, don’t freak out. Since we’re taking the tiny steps, we can take them again!   One universal goal that we should all set, no matter what the resolution might be is to take times to take care of yourself by exercising (or simply moving more frequently), good nutrition, and sleep. All counselors and medical professionals recognize how important sleep is, and it’s also important here as you begin your new start in the new year. Schedule time to rest, making that an important habit which will have many physical and mental rewards as you’ll be double dipping the dopamine system. Another simple step to help us reach our goals is to make sure to move our bodies frequently throughout the day. It causes the body to send blood to our brains and extremities. It energizes us and helps us think more quickly and clearly. Even steps around the office or home, a quick walk around the block, a quick dance around the room, doing basic household chores, or moving and flexing at your desk can make a difference. If you have a fit-bit or watch to track steps, see how many you usually take in your normal day. Start by adding just 50 steps to that amount each day for a week; then add 50 more each week (or as your strength grows, add more). Decide how many steps you want to reach daily (which can easily increase gradually over time), as a health resolution to help you reach other goals! Ready? On Your Mark… Get Set… Start making those changes you want! You can do it!

There are ways to address grief, even during holidays when feelings are so intense and more "Grieving doesn’t make you imperfect. It makes you human.” (Sarah Dessen) deeply felt. We're told things about grief that just aren't true. We're told we're in control. then surprised when we're unexpectedly hit hard by that loss again. Often it's triggered by something simple: a smell, taste, something we see, or even sound we hear. Let's find ways to address grief effectively. As the days shorten and the holidays draw to a close, we have opportunity to take stock of our past and future, to examine the events of the past year and prepare for the new. It is almost impossible not to have the past few years shoved in our faces, collectively, by the holidays. "What is normal at any given time? We change just as the seasons change, and each spring brings new growth. So nothing is ever quite the same." ~Sherwood Smith During what is supposed to be a time of celebration, we may feel pain and loss even more sharply. Old hurts compound with the new, and the heartache that we thought was behind us may suddenly rise back to the surface. This is especially true as all the "norms" are no longer norms, and that reality causes us grief, and it hits especially hard during the holidays when we see others experiencing joy that we do not feel. Grief comes when there is an existential loss, and that happens to everyone in life. We are put in complex social situations, experienced the loss of influential figures, family, friends, position, employment, social status or situations that impact our personal or family security. This may be through relocation, divorce, separations, transitions of friends or family, or death. The absence of those we have lost, or what we have lost, is felt with incredible power and intensity. Therapy is your friend. Empathetic therapists can help navigate emotions without the personal connection to the pain you may feel. This allows them to be more objective. You may be familiar with the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief, from On Death and Dying . These steps are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This is not going to be one of those types of articles. Most advice is built on the premise of “Speed-Running” through the stages, which is trying to sprint to Acceptance in the briefest time possible to avoid interrupting the flow of productivity. The Stages of Grief don’t really work like that. Kubler-Ross was working with terminal patients, people forced to accept their own mortality. They observed how some of these patients were able to come to terms of acceptance by moving through the stages. “But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.” ~Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning Dealing with grief isn’t a set progression; the stages can come in any order and may cycle. Even coming to acceptance of the loss does not preclude one from suffering intense depression, anger, or guilt again. Dealing with grief is often a life-long practice. The big kicker is that we tend to think about grief in all the wrong ways.   There are often "triggers" that set off grief. It may be seeing a happy couple laughing together when your partner isn't there to laugh with you. It may be seeing the first Christmas lights going up, shining brightly in the neighborhood when you feel things are dark. It may be the sounds of music that don't match your mood. It may even a certain smell that used to bring happy memories but no longer does. Our environments and senses may trigger our emotions deeply. "What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~Helen Keller We think of grief as an event in our lives, a response to a larger change. It’s not. Grief is a process that allows us to handle the emotions that come with that loss, the recognition that we will have to live without the benefits of the relationship, position, or situation we are mourning. At the very core, Grief is our way of handling the primal knowledge that we are not in control of the events, that we do not have total agency over our lives. When that realization is forced upon us by a massive change, our feelings of powerlessness and regret over past decisions reinforce each other to build a deep and powerful well of sorrow. There is no way around it, unfortunately, no matter how much we have our lives together, no matter how in control of our situations we might feel that we are. Even a single incident, whether illness, divorce or breakup, or an unexpected death, can bring that false sense of security crashing down. Even seeing Christmas lights during the holidays or smelling a holiday scent may catapult us into unexpected, yet deep grief. "Grief is itself a medicine." ~William Cowper So , it’s better for those who are still striving to survive to get rid of that delusion , to come to grips with the lack of control, and come to terms with it. When we lose the sense that we have to direct the events of our lives and accept that grief is inevitable, we are able to better prepare ourselves for loss. We will find a sense of peace by letting go of our own self-imposed responsibility for making sure that nothing goes wrong again. Since Grief is inevitable, we cannot live our lives in fear of it. The act of mourning, the difficulty that we feel when we do so, is an honor to those that we have lost, and even in our pain, we must reframe that loss into a deeper remembrance. Loss isn’t limited to people, either. It can be felt any time a pattern is disrupted, whether in a relationship, career, or, as we see during the holidays, when traditions are “imperfect.”  Missing a holiday event because of safety concerns during the pandemic can feel  like a devastating loss, as if control has been ripped from us in a world that only gives it sparingly, because IT IS. We mourn the loss of “The Way Things Used To Be,” and that’s natural. We may even direct anger toward those who bear no responsibility or cause for our loss because they don’t say the right thing, don’t react as we feel they should, or do not respond as we feel is appropriate. We need sleep and rest to regulate our mood, through serotonin production. Grief is not Depression, though they may seem similar at times. Grief is caused due to the perception of Loss; Depression, especially in a clinical sense, is caused by chemical imbalance. Grief can lead to depression, though; A loss great enough to create feelings of grief is constantly on the forefront of our minds, and it consumes tremendous focus and emotional resources to navigate. The biggest giveaway that this is happening is the disruption of sleep; if you find yourself lying awake, just hurting , you need to be aware that depression is right behind you. We need sleep and rest to regulate our mood, through serotonin production, and losing sleep is the biggest red flag that the grief is getting rough enough that you need some help. Grief can be shared. A sympathetic ear is more helpful than you might think, and while our intrinsic tendency is to suffer alone, keeping our grief personal, putting our feelings into words with someone who understands the nuance of the situation can help reframe the perspective. Running from grief, or trying to be strong, will only serve to make the feelings hit that much harder when they do come around. Grief is hardest when you’re alone, at your lowest, and have the time and capacity to ruminate on your feelings. Grief can become a point of obsession, and some people never manage to defeat it. Get some help. "Therapy is your friend. Therapy cannot take your grief away, but it can help you understand and manage grief to a fuller degree." ~Clifton Fuller Therapy is your friend. Therapists are trained to help navigate these emotions, and don’t have the same connection to the pain that you may feel, which allows them to be more objective. It’s important to note, a therapist can’t take your grief away . That’s unrealistic, and not the goal for which to aim. Therapists can help you build the emotional mechanisms that will allow you to embrace that deep loss and continue living. While we endure grief, we cannot let it overwhelm us, can’t let it tear us away from the progress that we make in the rest of our lives. We must Live On, regardless of how living-on is defined. We must find a sense of purpose, and if the pain is so powerful that we lose track of it, we need to take necessary time to create a new sense of purpose. Grief and loss do not hour time. Grief may be brief; it may be years or decades. It may circle back around and bit us at unexpected times. But understanding grief, and finding tools to deal with it, will insure we are able to manage it, now and in the future. We need to prepare for loss. We need to come to a level of acceptance that terrible loss will occur, and we can do that by paying close attention to the world around us. There is always  loss, it’s just usually so far removed from our experiences that we do not notice it. While it might seem counterproductive to take on the grief of others, by developing a sense of empathy and understanding about how loss impacts people we don’t know, we can anticipate how such loss will impact those closer to us, and ourselves. Most importantly, we have to come to grips with the fact that we cannot escape grief; we can try and deny it, but we will fail. We can try and outrun it, but it will catch up to us. That does NOT mean that we are powerless. It means we just must prepare ourselves. Like lifting weights, the more that we practice accepting the loss in our lives, the stronger we become. We can weather the storm. We can make it through the winter. We can do it, together. After that, we can do the most important thing possible; We can help others do the same. “Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.” (Jose N. Harris) “Your memory feels like home to me. So, whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you.” (Ranata Suzuki) Feeling loss means we cared deeply. And we CAN recover from loss! It takes time, but getting support may be the first step to address the pain of loss, or to move forward to live a full and satisfying life again. "We have to come to grips with the fact that we cannot escape grief; we can try and deny it, but we will fail. We can try and outrun it, but it will catch up to us. That does NOT mean that we are powerless. It means we just must prepare ourselves." ~Clifton Fuller We need to prepare for loss. We need to come to a level of acceptance that terrible loss will occur, and we can do that by paying close attention to the world around us. There is always loss, it’s just usually so far removed from our experiences that we do not notice it. While it might seem counterproductive to take on the grief of others, by developing a sense of empathy and understanding how loss impacts people we don’t know, we can anticipate how such loss will impact those closer to us, and ourselves. Most importantly, we have to come to grips with the fact that we cannot escape grief; we can try and deny it, but we will fail. We can try and outrun it, but it will catch up to us. That does NOT mean that we are powerless. It means we just must prepare ourselves. Like lifting weights, the more that we practice accepting the loss in our lives, the stronger we become. We can weather the storm. We can make it through the winter. We can do it, together. After that, we can do the most important thing possible; We can help others do the same. I work with people who feel as if they will never be able to recover from deep loss. They may experience deep depression, lack of interest in life or interactions with others, fear of future loss. They may feel as if they are in quicksand, slowly sinking without help to escape the pain. I tell them not to give up. Together, we address the deep pain of loss, whether it’s the need to address loss of a deeply loved person or persons, loss of financial security, a close friend, loss of health, a pet, a job, a support network, or even personal status. Loss will be experienced by all of us at some point in our lives. But it’s how we recover and heal that determines how effective we are in addressing the loss. We can feel happiness after loss, and it's ok to allow yourself to take time to heal.” ~Clifton Fuller If you know someone struggling with grief or deep loss, consider giving them the gift of a Care Card ; a gift you can give to them to encourage them to seek counseling to address their loss.

Have you ever wondered if therapy could be as accessible and comfortable as your favorite cup of coffee at home? Well, that’s exactly what online EMDR therapy brings to the table. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy has been a beacon of hope for many dealing with trauma and emotional distress. Now, with the rise of digital platforms, this transformative therapy is just a click away. Let’s explore the online EMDR therapy benefits and why this approach might be the gentle nudge you need toward healing and personal growth. Why Choose Online EMDR Therapy? The Benefits Unpacked Online EMDR therapy offers a unique blend of convenience and effectiveness that traditional in-person sessions sometimes struggle to match. Imagine being able to engage in deep, meaningful therapy without the stress of commuting or scheduling conflicts. Here are some of the standout benefits: Accessibility : Whether you live in a bustling city or a quiet rural area, online therapy breaks down geographical barriers. You can connect with a skilled therapist from anywhere. Comfort of Your Own Space : Healing feels different when you’re in a familiar environment. Being at home or in a safe space can help you open up more freely. Flexible Scheduling : Life is busy, and finding time for therapy can be tough. Online sessions often offer more flexible hours, including evenings and weekends. Privacy and Anonymity : For some, the idea of walking into a therapy office feels intimidating. Online therapy provides a layer of privacy that can ease anxiety. Cost-Effectiveness : Without the need for physical office space, some therapists can offer more affordable rates. These benefits are not just conveniences; they actively contribute to a more effective therapeutic experience. When you feel safe, comfortable, and respected, healing can accelerate. Comfortable home environment for online therapy How Online EMDR Therapy Services Work: What to Expect If you’re new to EMDR or online therapy, you might be curious about how it all unfolds. EMDR therapy involves guided eye movements or other bilateral stimulation to help your brain process traumatic memories and reduce their emotional impact. When done online, the process is adapted to fit the virtual environment without losing its effectiveness. Here’s a simple breakdown of what a typical online EMDR session might look like: Initial Assessment : Your therapist will get to know you, your history, and your goals. Preparation Phase : You’ll learn coping skills and relaxation techniques to use during and between sessions. Desensitization Phase : Using eye movements or taps, your therapist guides you through processing distressing memories. Installation Phase : Positive beliefs replace negative ones, reinforcing your healing. Body Scan : You check for any residual tension or discomfort. Closure : The session ends with grounding techniques to ensure you feel safe. The online format uses video calls, and therapists may use visual cues or tapping tools to facilitate bilateral stimulation. The key is that the connection between you and your therapist remains strong, supportive, and effective. The Emotional and Practical Advantages of Online EMDR Therapy Let’s dive deeper into why so many people find online EMDR therapy not just convenient but truly transformative. Emotional Safety and Control When you’re in your own space, you have more control over your environment. This can reduce feelings of vulnerability and help you feel more empowered during sessions. You can choose a quiet room, adjust lighting, or have comforting items nearby. This sense of control can make it easier to face difficult emotions. Continuity of Care Life can be unpredictable. Travel, illness, or other commitments might interrupt traditional therapy. Online EMDR therapy services allow you to maintain continuity, ensuring your progress isn’t stalled. This consistency is crucial for effective healing. Expanding Access to Specialists Not every community has therapists trained in EMDR. Online therapy opens doors to specialists who might be hundreds of miles away. This means you can find the right fit for your needs, not just the closest option. Encouraging Self-Reflection and Growth The online format often encourages clients to take a more active role in their healing journey. Between sessions, you might find yourself reflecting more deeply on your experiences, journaling, or practicing techniques learned in therapy. This active engagement can accelerate personal growth. Virtual therapy session connecting therapist and client Tips for Making the Most of Your Online EMDR Therapy Experience If you’re considering online EMDR therapy, here are some practical tips to help you get the most out of your sessions: Create a Dedicated Space : Find a quiet, comfortable spot where you won’t be interrupted. Test Your Technology : Ensure your internet connection, camera, and microphone work well before your session. Set Boundaries : Let family or housemates know your session time to minimize distractions. Prepare Emotionally : Have a list of topics or feelings you want to explore ready. Practice Self-Care : After sessions, engage in activities that soothe and ground you, like deep breathing or a walk. Communicate Openly : Share your feelings about the online format with your therapist. They can adjust techniques to suit your comfort level. Remember, therapy is a partnership. Your active participation and honest communication are key to unlocking the full benefits. Embracing Growth Through Online EMDR Therapy Choosing to embark on therapy is a courageous step. Online EMDR therapy offers a path that respects your pace, your space, and your unique story. It’s more than just a convenience; it’s a powerful tool for transformation. If you’re ready to explore this journey, consider reaching out to a professional who can guide you with empathy and expertise. With the right support, you can navigate life’s challenges and move toward a brighter, more resilient future. For those interested in accessible and effective healing, online emdr therapy services might just be the key to unlocking your potential. I hope this exploration of online EMDR therapy benefits has sparked your curiosity and confidence to take the next step. Healing is possible, and sometimes, it’s just a click away.

Let’s talk about some reasons it’s smart to choose optimism over negativity. Positive thoughts can change our actions and reactions in ways than make our lives calmer and happier. We have all heard the old question: “Is the glass half empty or half full?” How you answer will determine your attitude in life. Logically, our answer does not change the amount of water in the glass, but it does change us. Optimism (positivity) is hopefulness and confidence about the future or a successful outcome. Various research tells us that optimistic people are happier and live longer. Optimistic people have more energy. They have happier relationships. They wake up every morning looking forward with excitement to the opportunities of the new day. They focus on what they see as good and positive rather than negatives. Optimistic people tend to have stronger physical immunity, less stress, less depression, develop stronger coping skills, and have increased resilience . It does not mean optimistic people don’t recognize bad or negative things or that they have a ‘Pollyanna’ mentality. It means they actively seek, and find, positive solutions to address even negative issues. Positivity isn’t ignoring the negative. It’s finding solutions to overcome it. It doesn’t mean ignoring reality or sticking heads in the sand like an ostrich, but it means facing obstacles head-on with a positive approach to challenges, and willingness to look for support and resources when needed. Optimism can overcome negatives and even see them as opportunities to learn and grow stronger. Some positive people even see roadblocks as simple ‘opportunity hurdles’ that make them stronger. What can you do if you see the glass half full? Are you going to have a shorter, more miserable life? Not at all because we CAN change the way we think! Because our brains are moldable, they change physically when we change the way we think and behave. The world does not run on facts. It runs on our beliefs...our thoughts, whether those thoughts or beliefs are accurate or not. If we think there's a mountain lion in the hall, we won't go out there. If we think it's safe, we will. If we think we have enough gas, we keep on driving. If we think the water is deep enough, we jump into it. We can decide to think in positive terms and train ourselves by consistently doing the same thing over and over again. It becomes a habit of thought. It changes our brain. We can create focused success rather than focused failure. The way you view life impacts your life. If you think negatively constantly, it leads to negative consequences and poorer health. If you choose to make it a habit to focus positively, it leads to better mental and physical health. As a child, I lived in a small town where the school had less than 100 students. Everybody knew everybody. I was overweight in junior high and the first two years of high school.  My nickname was "Fat Boy!" I was too big and slow to play any sport well enough to get into the game.  I always 'rode the bench.’ I was always embarrassed about my weight, but I accepted that this was my life. When people tried to get me to lose weight, or I was forced to go on a diet, for 'some' reason, these attempts would always fail. One day, when I was 16 years old, I was combing my hair, and I noticed the muscles in my arms and shoulders were moving. I could see some flexing muscles! I had a radical thought, and that thought changed my life. At that moment, I realized I was not a fat boy; I was a boy with fat. Underneath my layer of fat was a normal body.  I decided to begin to eat less. I began to exercise. And I began to lose weight. This occurred the last month of my sophomore year.  By the time summer was over and school had begun again in my junior year, I had lost 30 pounds, which changed my life.  I became a starter on my high school football team, I caught the attention of my first girlfriend, and my nickname changed from “Fat Boy!” to "Fuller!”  I expanded this positive attitude to other aspects of my life. I decided I was an intelligent person who had a wrong answer, not an idiot. I was dyslexic, not stupid, and could learn to overcome any learning disability thrown my way.  I was a capable person who didn't know how to fix a copier, a worthy person who made mistakes.  I've changed my internal thoughts about myself.  I now believe these things about myself and believe these things about others.  When you look for the positive, you will find it! "I am objective, but when I must choose, I will choose positivity over negativity any day." ~Clifton Fuller Let’s be realistic. We are not delusional. We know we can't jump off a 10-story building and hope things go well. Sometimes we need to address habits, actions, or thoughts to correct issues, beliefs, or harmful behaviors. Coming to those conclusions to address those things can be a sign of strength and a positive step forward. We can all be as objective as possible, but when we must guess one way over the other, I always think that I will win, making my life much happier, much less worrisome, and less anxious. If I don’t win every time, that’s OK…I just move on in life. Anxiety, worry, and negative thoughts are heavy, and unnecessary, burdens that we carry like a sack of rocks on our backs. It’s no wonder that it affects us mentally and physically. It’s no wonder we feel lighter, are able to move faster, and feel free when we get rid of those added weights. Each day becomes a welcome blessing rather than a burden. Positivity brings joy to life. “Guessing” we will eventually have a loss is much less fun and is exhausting. If we're going to think anyway, let's go positive! I’ve known people who spent their entire lives fearing a depression that never came, fearing wars that never happened, and fearing circumstances that never occurred. If those things happen, we deal with them. Doesn’t mean we don’t prepare for bad weather, but it means the obsession with it doesn’t capture every moment of our life. Instead, we choose to find solutions, enjoy life, daily living, and its opportunities. Positive thinking increases confidence, motivation, happiness, enthusiasm, inspiration, and better health. People may ask, “What if you're wrong?” I always ask them, “Well, what if I’m right?!” When you make a plan, make the best plan you can and see if it works. Adjust it rather than beat yourself up about it if it doesn't work out as you anticipated. Learn from it and move forward. Remember, investors, writers, and all successful people had losses and successes in their life’s journey. Most ego defenses are designed to protect us from reality. But one great thing, called “anticipation!”, helps us look forward to future rewards. It could be looking forward to graduation, to the weekend, a good book, or a vacation. There are many great things to look forward to, even if they are simple things. We could have a much more positive life if we look for the good in people, the beauty in nature, and the rainbow in the clouds. Here are some examples: We can also remind ourselves of all the times we have good things happen to us. What you look for is usually what you get. Remember all the times we were lucky and all the good things that happened. Say what you hope will happen out loud.       Write down your goals! Look at them every day to remind yourself about your progress! Decide you will look on the bright side of life. Complement others, overlooking annoying things they do & instead see their goodness. Be an “encouragement fairy”, smile, say hello. Smiles are contagious. So are frowns. Which do you want to spread, and which would you prefer to see? Notice what people are doing well. Say thank you! Praise what you like. Embrace life! My wife has a plaque in our kitchen, “Life is better when you are laughing!” A similar thought could be as valuable that “Life is better when you look for the best in it!” Positivity helps you improve your own life. You also spread joy to others who look forward to being around you and your positive attitude, as it also cheers them up and inspires them. Optimism is contagious! Why do you think sports teams want to play at home? They love the energy of spectator fans who want to see them win. Cheerleaders don't face the team; they face the crowd. As a football player, I never heard a cheerleader, but I sure heard the crowds cheering. Why do musicians, singers, or churches want people to attend in person? The energy is contagious, inspires, and lifts the spirits of those sharing the experience together. Optimism is contagious! Spread it around. Let's inspire ourselves and inspire others. If we win, that’s great.  If we don't, there's always next time. Shoot for the moon! Even if you don't hit it, you'll end up further down the road. Studies on positivity and life : PNAS:  Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America (Article: Optimism is associated with exceptional longevity in 2 epidemiologic cohorts of men and women ) Science Direct  (Article: Optimism and immunity ) Clinical Practice and Epidemiology in Mental Health  (Article: Optimism and its impact on mental and physical well-being ) NIH  (National Institute of Health) Article: What good are positive emotions in crises? A prospective study of resilience and emotions following terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11, 2002 , NIH.gov ) There are more mind-brain-body-emotion connections made when we journal our optimism, looking for people, events, and things we are grateful in life. Read more here about how gratitude changes lives. And if you're prepared to decrease stress in your live, even for just a few minutes a day, check out the gratitude journals (and other publications) by Fuller Publishing, available on Amazon, by downloading pdf with links on banner below or clicking here . Gratitude Book Covers by Fuller Publishing

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough." ~Aesop Gratitude is simple. It's being thankful, showing appreciation, and kindness. Gratitude focuses our time and attention on the positive, rather than seeking fault, maintaining anger or fear, or dwelling on the negative. Gratitude has the added benefit of regulating stress hormones, which helps us control fear and anxiety. We can change our thinking, our lives, and those around us by using gratefulness in various, simple ways with wonderful results. Learning to be grateful is a skill anyone can develop and expressing thankfulness changes our brain. It also helps us mentally, physically, and emotionally. It attracts others to us and makes our lives happier. (Who wants to spend time with a grumpy, negative person? Aren't we instead drawn to a person who is encouraging and has a positive attitude?) It is possible to practice gratitude, even in difficult times and I'd like to share some tips that may change how you think about gratitude and thankfulness. “Gratitude is one of the most medicinal emotions we can feel. It elevates our moods and fills us with joy." ~Sara Avant Stover Developing Attitudes of Gratitude! Gratitude is the subject of many self-help books discussing why thankfulness is important. When we practice an “attitude of gratitude”, it essentially helps us consciously rewire our brains. It's a simple way we change our brain chemistry to improve our psychological and physical health and to create a happier life for ourselves. This is not just wishful thinking. It is an achievable action. Positive thinking will not fix every problem we experience. It won’t, and I'm not saying, “If you are unhappy, you are not being thankful enough". No person will not be happy all the time. However, shaking up your paradigm, or “the way you think about life, the universe, and everything else,” can be a powerful tool in personally taking the steps necessary to improve health and life in general. The great thing is that anyone can begin the process by themself at any time. "Gratitude is Thankfulness expressed in action." ~William George Jordan Gratitude is the quality of being thankful, being ready to show appreciation for, and returning kindness. Living with gratitude means focusing your time and attention on things to be thankful for rather than searching for, focusing on, or seeking fault. Humans cannot think of two things at the same time so focusing on being grateful leaves little room to maintain anger, fear, or dwell on the negative. While mindfulness of the negative can be necessary for seeking improvement, focusing exclusively on the negative can (and will) lead to harmful feelings like depression, anger, and hatred. Mindfully practicing gratitude boosts mood, improves health, and bolsters relationships. Negativism will weigh the body down and cause sleep disruption, racing thoughts, anxiety, ulcers, and high blood pressure. Positivity will help create happiness, better health, and better sleep patterns, serving as encouragement to us and others. Happy people attract others. Negative people tend to repel other people. "Far from being static and unchanging, our brains possess an inherent plasticity that allows them to forge new connections and prune away old ones based on our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors." (theMindMender) Gratitude does this by rewiring the brain. Contemplating what you are grateful for fosters cognitive restructuring, how you conceptualize your life, what happens to you, and your interactions with the world. Our ability to learn is based on the context of what we have learned before. Gratitude provides a context to evaluate our resources to solve our problems. Gratitude enhances dopamine and serotonin, the "happiness neurotransmitters" in the brain. Gratitude also has the added benefit of regulating stress hormones, which help us control fear and anxiety.  " Research has shown that regular gratitude practice can lead to lasting changes in the brain's structure and function, a phenomenon known as neuroplasticity. Through repeated engagement with gratitude, we manage and control the power to reshape neural pathways associated with negative thinking patterns, paving the way for a more positive outlook on life." ( theMindMender.net ) Consider how a small slight can negatively impact your whole day. Now, that’s a normal stress response. That’s “the standard,” of how our brains are programmed to react to negative stimuli. We have to train our brains to do the same for positive stimuli. "If you want to find happiness, find gratitude." ~Steve Maraboli What if we gave more attention to the good things that happened during our day?  Affirm the good things you receive. Acknowledge the role that other people play in bringing good into your life. Gratitude is a conscious decision that can become an unconscious part of our lives with enough practice, like learning to ride a bike or drive a car. Initially, you may have to list the things you are grateful for, consciously reminding yourself to be mindful of the good. With practice, gratitude can become second nature, it will become easier the more we practice gratitude to begin to rewire the brain and to be thankful, and it will help a lot. "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not but rejoices for those which he has." ~Epictetus It will not, however, fix your problems. It will help you push through negative stressors as you fix your problems. Gratitude can help bring comfort, a chance to recenter and refocus your efforts, and reasons to keep fighting. Gratitude is a tool for self-improvement, more than a magic trick. Other benefits of gratitude include strengthening the immune system, improving sleep patterns, feeling optimistic and experiencing more joy and pleasure, being more helpful and generous, becoming more empathetic of others, and feeling less lonely and isolated. Gratitude helps foster empathy, strengthening your ability to relate to others. Being aware of the good things all around you helps you avoid taking those good things for granted. It creates a focused appreciation that wasn't present previously. Gratitude is the opposite of resentment.  So how do you practice gratitude? It’s actually really easy! We’ve included many examples below; you don’t have to follow every gratitude suggestion. Find what works for you, whatever you can do consistently daily, and then do it, making it become a habit. It will change your life. "People who keep a gratitude journal are more likely to have a positive outlook on life." ~Max Lucado Keep a gratitude journal. When journaling, be specific. Observe and be mindful of your world. How often do you express thankfulness? The act of handwriting (journaling) your thoughts and discoveries is another tool to help train your brain. When we journal, it makes our brain slow down (as it matches the speed of our writing). This creates deeper attention and focus, while also allowing the brain to analyze and address the issue we are addressing. Journaling also is a way to get creative, tap into our brain's strengths, and problem-solve or find solutions. And the bonus is that journaling also helps us retain ideas, solutions, and thoughts at a much higher rate than just 'thinking about it' or typing it digitally. To reinforce gratitude to an even greater extent through journaling, if you read your journaling aloud, it simply further reinforces your concepts in your memory! Wow! "Think-Journal-Read" (speak) is like a triple play for the brain! It's so powerful, that we've even written books about it because we believe so strongly in the power of gratitude mixed with journaling! (Check out FullerPublishing.com ) for multiple gratitude journals and "dad" and "mom" journals of gratitude written to their children or adult children. Even if you don't initially journal, the many quotes in the books will inspire you.) "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." ~William Arthur Ward Do you feel appreciation, or are you just going through the motions? Take the extra time to let your mind acknowledge gratitude. Or maybe you would instead write thank you notes or voice your gratitude to others. Being active and specific in thanking others can mean the world to them.  Remember the bad. Remember how far you’ve come. It is essential to acknowledge the negative and the good ways things have changed. Maybe you were in a bad relationship, and you finally got out. Don’t forget to be grateful to yourself and appreciate your strengths. Don’t beat yourself up for the errors of the past. Appreciate what you have learned and the character qualities you have developed. Thank the people who helped you along the way. "When you're looking for joy, you'll always find it hiding in gratitude." ~Carl Rogers Use sensory reminders to cue gratitude. Does a particular image evoke feelings of gratitude? Does a special painting, photograph, or desktop sculpture have meaning to you? Keep that image close at hand. Do certain smells, like cinnamon, hot chocolate, or smells of turkey and dressing baking make you feel a sense of contentment? Surround yourself with those smells. Savor your environment. If you find your environment hard to savor, change it! The change doesn’t even have to be big; it can be as simple as taking time to look at nature. Check out those trees; look at how the light tracks through the leaves. Isn’t that cool? Doesn’t the sun feel nice? Doesn’t it feel great to get back inside in the cool shade? The fan is amazing, and you can rejoice in the feeling of the air dancing on your skin. Maybe you feel more content when holding a hot beverage, the smell, the steam, and the mug’s warmth. Do that. Create little moments of joy in your day, and you can learn.  "The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated. " ~William James Be aware of how you talk about your life and others. Are you taking time to acknowledge the good? Share your gratitude with others. Saying a simple “thank you” can brighten someone else’s day. A hug for kindnesses shown can be an important and spontaneous expression of gratitude. Expressing gratitude strengthens relationships! Everyone wants to feel appreciated. That is a gift you can give.  “Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it." (Ralph Marston)  Always tell people thank you when they do something for you or show kindness. Remind yourself of the good. None of us enjoy being around angry, gripey, discontented people. You can also fake it until you make it. Even if you're struggling right now, facing depression, or anxious, go through the motions of expressing gratitude. Even if you don’t feel it, practicing the motions of gratitude will begin to evoke those feelings in the longer term. What will surprise you is that when you do this, your mind will begin to change, and you will begin to see good where you never knew it existed before. Positivity will slowly begin to overshadow the negative. That simply means a happier life, no matter the circumstances being faced. Research has shown that gratitude does improve mental health and physical health. "I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness--it's right in front of me if I'm paying attention and practicing gratitude." ~Brene Brown Have you heard about 'gratitude fatigue'? What is it? It is the unrealistic pressure to feel gratitude no matter what. That unrealistic expectation is not what gratitude is all about. Gratitude does not ignore reality ; but it still finds good even in the bad, difficult, or overwhelming situations of life. Gratitude acknowledges that both bad and good exist, but how you react to those issues determines their impact on you. During the pandemic, some marriages grew stronger as couples worked together to get through the time, while other marriages faced difficulty and some even fell apart. Some students grew academically because they focused on their studies, even in dire circumstances, while other students fell behind. Some homes fell into disrepair, while other homeowners decided to use that time to make needed repairs that they hadn't had time to make previously. Some felt the isolation and loneliness deeply while others wrote books, called friends to stay in touch, watched funny movies, or caught up on projects they'd wanted to complete for years. What made the difference? A big part of it was the mindset of the people involved. Did they focus on gratitude, even while isolated? Did they try to turn a negative situation into the best possible...and even laugh at the steps they tried and the outcomes? Did they focus on fear, anxiety, blame, anger, or dissatisfaction? The philosopher, Epictetus said, " He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not but rejoices for those which he has." He knew the value of a focused mindset of gratitude. "What we change inwardly will change outer reality." ~Plutarch Think about a piece of paper with a red dot on it. What do you notice? Our brains will immediately notice the red dot, not the millions of white dots forming the background of the page of paper. With gratitude, we would recognize both as we look for the good, or hidden, that we hadn't noticed before. We choose how we think. Even though our brains are made in such a way that we can juggle multiple tasks at what appears to be the same time, we cannot focus on both good and bad (positive and negative) at the same time. We must choose one or the other. Some things we do instinctively after many times, or even years, of repetition. This may include driving a car, instinctively braking when a deer runs in front of us, or seeing a red stoplight. But having too many distractions hamper our ability to focus, such as texting, drinking while driving, or being distracted by other riders or an unfamiliar route or traffic. We repeat behaviors so they become and feel instinctive. The military knows this and that's why they have boot camps and drill maneuvers, so reactions become 'instinctive' and can save a soldier's life. It's why we have fire drills in schools. In the same way, we can practice gratitude, so it becomes a habit, not a burden or challenge. It can become part of who we are. Dr. Robert Holden has noted that “The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see.” "I now feel gratitude for my struggles for without them, I would not have stumbled across my strengths. I realized I became stronger as I lifted those weights." ~Clifton Fuller Consider this metaphor: we can choose to look at the world as a glass of water 'half full' rather than a glass 'half empty'. The truth, the reality, is that the glass is filled with water halfway...equally empty and full. The half-full thinking figuratively quenches our thirst, refreshes us, and makes us happy whereas the half-empty represents negativism, fear, dissatisfaction, hesitancy, or refusal of the water available right in front of us. Gratitude sees the water right in front of us. It sees the good right in front of us. It sees the hidden and obvious things, people, and experiences we have to be thankful for all the time. In the book, "Man's Search for Meaning", Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychologist, and Holocaust survivor describes man's search for meaning in life even through or after catastrophic life events. What made some people imprisoned during the holocaust survive, while others gave up emotionally and physically, or became extremely bitter in life? It was their attitude. Survivors who went on to recover and live rewarding lives developed an attitude of hope and gratitude for even the smallest of things they could see or discover during that difficult time. They felt gratitude for the community of support they created among each other, even though imprisoned and treated abdominally. Their mindsets and community helped them get through the horrors they saw and encountered firsthand. Hope and gratitude are powerful tools of life that each of us have, or can develop, within ourselves! "It's not happiness that brings us gratitude. It's gratitude that brings us happiness." As you begin to see good in yourself and others and to feel and express gratitude, think outside the box. You can have gratitude for weird things. Maybe you appreciate the spider in the tree spinning its web. Perhaps you like the way that color looks great on you, even if it's not the trending color. Maybe you appreciate your crooked nose or uneven ears because they make you a one-of-a-kind unique character.  Maybe you appreciate your older car that has dents, dings, and memories of many road trips with your dog and friends. Comedian Steve Martin once said, "If you start looking for the good things in your life, you just might be surprised at how many of them you really have." You can also find out-of-the-box ways to express your gratitude. Please don’t limit yourself because of convention… your life experience is unique, and it’s good to be grateful for things nobody else does or for which others don't appear grateful. "You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate." ~Elizabeth Gilbert Meditate on gratitude. Our actions and words reflect how we think about the world. When we keep thankfulness in the forefront of our minds, we feel happier and have an easier time sharing that happiness with others. Do not wait to just mindlessly feel gratitude. Having gratitude requires us to be active in being mindful of the world around us.  Seek inspiration. Maybe you’re having a particularly rough time, and it’s hard to feel gratitude. Actively seek out the good. Look up feel-good stories or reach out to a friend. Value your friendships and other connections.  Read materials that lift your mood. Get outdoors or exercise, even if it's just stretching. "I am grateful I did not fear get the best of me. It only holds you back from possibilities and greatness." ~Mariska Hargitay Not every burden is yours to bear. Pick your battles… and if possible, return a few to the shelf. You don't have to fight every battle or react to every attack or challenge. You don't have to volunteer for every committee or event. Being overwhelmed often makes us forget to be grateful, but we are often in control more than we realize. You can pick and choose a better life balance in life and work and be grateful you had opportunities but also grateful you let go of some of them. Sometimes you can walk away, or shift focus to other more important things in life and be grateful you did. It is easier to practice and experience the benefits of gratitude if you have taken the necessary steps to take care of yourself. You cannot help others if you do not help yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Get some sleep, find something enjoyable to be thankful for, and be kind to yourself. Be grateful for who you have fought so hard to become. Take time for yourself. Take time for the simple joys of life. "Gratitude and attitude are not challenges; they are choices." ~Robert Braathe “Gratitude, like faith, is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it grows and the more power you have to use it on your behalf. If you do not practice gratefulness, its benefaction will go unnoticed, and your capacity to draw on its gifts will be diminished. To be grateful is to find blessings in everything. This is the most powerful attitude to adopt, for there are blessings in everything." (Alan Cohen) As you walk through your day today, begin to take small steps to see, feel, and express gratitude in your life...toward yourself, others, small things, and the good things in your life. “When gratitude becomes an essential foundation in our lives, miracles start to appear everywhere." (Emmanuel Dalgher) Footnote: Watch for current and upcoming publications from FullerPublishing.com on gratitude as a tool to change your (& other people's) lives. Includes yearly journals, A Dad's 30-day journal to his child, A Mother's 30-day journal to her child, and journals for teens, young adults, and adults.

We all experience challenges in life, but some individuals or families will experience devastating traumas. Traumas can have serious short and long-term impacts on us, so it's important to know about trauma, what occurs when we experience it, and how to manage it as effectively as possible. Short time reactions might be emotional shock followed by denial or temporary injury or loss. Long-term impacts might include flashbacks or PTSD, panic attacks, free-floating anxiety, increased insecurity, bipolar disorder, interpersonal relationship conflicts, and financial pressures. Serious health issues may occur, including dependence on alcohol or drugs to mask the trauma's impact, or heart, stroke, cancer, diabetes, or stroke. We might experience trauma as a result of an attack or abuse by a stranger or from a deeply loved partner. Trauma can come from natural disasters, a hurricane, tornado, floor, fire or earthquake. Trauma can come from leaders who control, abuse, and demean people in inhuman ways. Trauma can come through the loss of a loved one, or seeing others traumatized (such as on 9/11 or 1/6 or 12/7...which is why our minds immediately recall the scenes of those particular days). After 9/11, in my counseling practice, there was a dramatic increase in anxiety among children, even very young children and teens, who no longer felt safe. Part of the problem was the constant media replaying of the events on news channels, which further interrupted the usual daily activities of the children, forcing them to "re-live" the events. It may be from an injury that is dramatic, but heals, or from an injury that causes a career to end or causes lifelong pain. Trauma can be both physical and/or emotional. Some traumas are obvious, while other traumas are not visible initially, but which carry deep pain, loss, and needed healing. "Just as the body goes into shock after a physical trauma, so does the human psyche go into shock after the impact of a major loss." ~Anne Grant Traumas occur when someone (or something) over which we have little or no control, ends up harming, damaging, impacting or creating loss for us in a way we have little power to prevent. It's why we feel so helpless and try to second guess what we could have done differently, "if only" types of thinking, "never talk about it", try to rationalize the experience, or "fairy tale" think our way out of the trauma. Those types of thinking aren't productive. Instead, those types of thinking undermine or cause the healing process to slow down or stop...or even turn the trauma into a serious mental health issue that impact us, our loved ones, and our communities. "Trauma healing is not a linear process. It involves peaks and valleys, setbacks and progress. The key is to keep moving forward, even on the difficult days." ~Jasmin Lee Cori, Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understand Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life All traumas jolt our ability to recover, understand life, emotions, and physical well-being. Traumas occur to all of us, to various degrees, and throughout our lifetime. None of us want to be traumatized, however, there are ways we can survive and grow stronger in the process. There are also ways we can move forward to heal and also help others who suffer similar situations or traumas. We must take time to heal ! Trauma is loss, it is grief, it is anger, it is wearisome, and it is strengthening. Because it is such a mixed bag of wildly different emotions, it may seem like we are all over the place attempting to deal with it. We need to understand those are all normal reactions and any steps forward help us unravel the complexity trauma presents initially as our brains try to understand "why?" or "what happened?". As Hippocrates said, "Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity." My broken childhood experiences molded me into the person I am today. I tend to look at the glass as half-full, even though my childhood glass was more than half-empty. It was due to the strength of my mother, other family and caring people who helped my family through a chaotic existence of poverty and abuse. It was through a college experience and invested professors who presented different views of life and learning that I discovered new ways of coping, understanding family and trauma, and creating a very different path for myself and my future family. It was through a life with my wife who loved me, thought I was awesome, and was my best friend. My life has been full of unexpected people who came into it and helped me deal with my early life traumas. Jaquia Abreu, CEO, Gully Thoughts, LLC Several years ago, my wife and I attended a celebration of the Fuller Life Institute , a non-profit, created and directed by our daughter-in-law, to train therapists in Houston, TX. The guest speaker at that program was a young woman named Jaquia Abreu . Jaquia was truly amazing. She shared her experience as a survivor of trauma, depression, and anxiety and she managed to do it with both tenderness and boldness, as well as hope and vision. When we spoke to her following the program, she gave us permission to share her poem (below). She said if her poetry could help someone struggling, she would find great joy in that happening. Jaquia was kind, energetic, an excellent and eloquent speaker, upbeat, and extremely inspiring. Jaquia Abreu, is the CEO of the mental health awareness company, Gully Thoughts LLC We were pleased to learn that she speaks to many groups, from children to adults, to help them move forward to address their own life challenges, recoveries, and fears. She helps them understand trauma, the debilitating power of anxiety or depression if left unchecked, and in choosing to rebuild hope within themselves. As well as being a highly sought speaker, Jaquia's message also comes across with great insights in the books she's written, which are available on her website at GullyThoughts.com . (This quote, from her website is reflective of what we saw as she presented that evening: "This world needs more Gully energy, the definition of 'gully' being your authentic, raw, genuine, and purposeful self and combining that with love and giving back.") Here's Jaquia's poem to Anxiety: Dear Anxiety,  My affirmations are more powerful than your words to me at night.
 To me in the morning.
 To me 99,999 times throughout the day.
 The bright light is brighter than the dark thoughts you feed to me See I speak to me I will no longer let you speak for me Now hold up and let me speak to me I am safe.  I am protected always.  I will never go without or experience lack. I am brave I love me And I will never ever take that back I am always wanted. I am always loved. I am always in the front never in the back I am seen I take steps forward The ways you teach me to not pursue something, will stop.  I fake dead from your sword I am alive and woke now I don’t feel broke now Take your scary hands off my neck I can no longer be choked down I will pursue it.  I will try it.  I will succeed.  I don’t flop for you anymore My knees no longer lock for you anymore I no longer bow down to the mastery of your lies. Positivity and faith are the only things that I will breathe in my life. 
 I am too courageous to believe that fear has any hold on my life.
 My worries are no longer worries. 
 Just thoughts that will pass, because they have no home in me anymore.
 My spirit locked them out. 
 I won't let you win anymore. Pop-a-lock can no longer let the worries in anymore.  The present moment is the only moment I can stay in.  I stay in the moment that says, "I am okay".
 My past hurt me, but I am okay
 The unknown scares me, but I am okay
 I am in control even when I feel out of control, because I am okay The present moment is the only moment I can pray in Anxiety, you are not my lover anymore.  If you’re not speaking life Well I don’t know what to say then We cannot speak anymore.  The parted red sea was not meant for me to walk backwards. I cannot moonwalk with my past Or hide from my freedom I cannot speak fear anymore.  I cannot overthink and push myself away from my peers anymore.  Your voice is muted, you cannot whisper in my ears anymore. I have the key to freedom I have the key to peace I have the key to security. The present moment is that key Right now.  Right now I am okay. Because I was created Because I exist Because I am loved by the Divine God loves me I am okay Write a letter to your past and burn it Write a letter to your future and burn it Write a letter to your present moment and fold it and put in your pocket and read it everyday Just as a reminder that Baby boy Baby girl We are okay (We encourage you to check out her website and learn more about her and the books and services she provides.) "Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence." ~Peter A Levin, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma There are ways to address trauma, the first being to recognize it openly and not to bury it. It may be right in front of you, such as a natural disaster, or hidden in your psyche, such as in sexual or emotional abuse or deep loss of a loved one, position in life, a job, or a relationship. It is understanding and recognizing that your life has been irrevocably changed. You may never regain the position or esteem you once held; you may never see or touch or talk with that person you loved so deeply; you may feel despair for what you had before but have lost. Another attitude to accept is that you will change . The trauma you experienced will cause you to become a different person. Will bitterness, anger, depression, anxiety, or hatred become your partner? Or will you fight those destructive forces and move forward to have increased compassion for yourself and others, greater empathy, a fighting (non-violent) spirit to make needed changes so the traumatic events that happened to you will not happen to others? "The pain of trauma can be the catalyst for personal growth, leading us to discover inner strength and resilience we never knew we possessed." ~Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery; The Aftermath of Violence-from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. You choose. You can use trauma as a way to reshape yourself mentally and physically. It can be a pivotal turning point in your life. Time becomes a vital partner of your healing in which you begin to regain some control. You may be able to make those choices immediately, or it may take some time. However long it takes is how long it takes. Be patient with yourself, and with others who may also be going through trauma, or who simply do not understand what you are facing. As author, Brené Brown states so wisely, " What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” "Someone who has experience trauma also has gifts to offer all of us - in their depth, their knowledge of our universal vulnerability, and their experience of the power of compassion." ~Sharon Salzberg Seek help! If you need support, obtain it ! Seeking help does not mean you are weak. Just the opposite. It means you are strong enough to see the trauma for what it is and to recognize you will become stronger with help from others. It's how history has trained warriors to prepare for battle, both physically and mentally. We take time to train, recover, heal, and become stronger. You are about to go into battle in an emotional, and maybe in a physical, way. Prepare for it effectively and come out stronger because you did. Seek help from professionals, from others who are going through or have experienced what you are facing and take advantage of every resource available to you through community, government, churches or organizations. That help will speed up your ability to move forward and recover. Don't let pride interfere with your acceptance of help. Instead, accept the help and then when you no longer need the help and are stronger, turn around and help others who are suffering traumas in their lives. You will understand them due to your experiences. Do your research and read about trauma and its impact on us. Studies such as " The conversation ", community agencies, higher education research departments, and non-partisan non-profits often provide valuable insights. "The effects of trauma can be passed down through generations, but so can the resilience and healing." ~Dr. Soma Ganesan, The MindBody Toolkit: 10 Practice Ways to Counter Stress, Trauma, and Chronic Illness Don't punish yourself, pressure yourself, or focus on unrealistic or unachievable outcomes . Even if our minds, strong wills, and determined spirits are strong, we cannot magically "wish" changes into existence. We can, however, make plans and take steps to move forward to change ourselves or situations as much as possible. Don't focus on "what if" scenarios as we can't change the past, we can only change the present and hope and make plans to change the future. Life is often out of our control, but our decisions and choices can help us reclaim a strong handle on how we act and react to it. "Trauma changes you. Healing is about creating a new version of yourself, the one that is stronger, wiser, and more compassionate." ~Michele Rosenthal, Your Life After Trauma: Powerful Practices to Reclaim Your Identity Some situations will assuredly guarantee trauma will be experienced. These situations include war, sexual abuse or assault, relocation of populations (such as in ethnic cleaning when populations harm each other or those they perceive to be of threat), living in high-risk locations which carry more likelihood of danger, poverty, healthcare with serious limitations or lack thereof, or social environments or support networks that offer little support for those in need. It may also involve media replaying traumatic events as "news" that then continue to traumatize those watching or listening. It's a catch-22 situation: we want to be informed about what's happening in order to be prepared for another similar event, but we must weight what is healthy to our psyche and body and what is not. Obsession is not healthy. Many who suffer from trauma also experience PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, and heightened anxiety. They may also experience physical impairments that require physical therapy, surgeries, and long or short periods of recovery. "Trauma teaches us that healing is not about forgetting; it's about embracing our scars and using them as reminders of our strength and resilience." ~Dr. Christine A Courtois, It's Not You, It's What Happened to You: Complex Trauma and Treatment. Following trauma, we may experience fatigue, both physically and mentally. (Sleeplessness will likely lead to depression if not addressed). We may also experience anger, helplessness, hopelessness, or powerless. We may temporarily "withdraw" or isolate ourselves, just as if we were nurturing a wound, which in fact, we are. Sometimes we have the luxury of allowing ourselves the time to heal, but at other times, such as in a national disaster when shelter and food are priorities, we may need to push ourselves to complete necessary, physical tasks and to deal with the aftereffects of psychological or emotional trauma after addressing the physical aspects first. "A people that values its privileges about its principles soon loses both." ~President Dwight D. Eisenhower All of us see this happen during times of natural disasters. We also see it happen around the world when political change or disruption occur when so much is perceived to be, or is, at stake...or safety is at risk. If a person accurately or inaccurately believes that the powerful or adversaries have unfair advantage, that they have little or no voice over choices being made that concern or affect them directly, or if their values are of no value, they may experience trauma, agitation, and even deep depression. How we act and reaction affects others! During the aftermaths of any traumatic experiences, having empathy and understanding of each other is crucial. It is not the time for gloating or insensitivity. Empathy is not reflected by telling people to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or to "quit feeling sorry for yourself." Trauma is not just getting your way or something simple you can control by those statements. Trauma is much deeper and significant and must be addressed differently than simple or even complex challenges in life. "As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself...The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage." ~Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Post-trauma is the time to listen and understand the person who has been traumatized, not convince them they are wrong, weak, or should feel differently. It is an opportunity to let people know others care about them and understand their plight. Communicating that empathy and concern may come in non-verbal actions. It may be by supporting them via volunteer support groups, in financial ways, such as helping them rebuild a home or a community. It may come in expressions of care by sending encouraging letters or emails, providing meals, clothing, medical care, employment, or temporary shelter during a difficult time. Several areas of mental health care that have proven effective for many dealing with trauma and its recovery include use of EMDR  Therapy , counseling, hypnosis by a mental health professional, medications prescribed under the care of a medical professional, churches, community groups, local, state, government or world organizations, or support groups. You may want to help someone struggling with a trauma through supporting them financially to seek counseling help through the gift of a ' Care Card ' When we look back, we can see more clearly and understand more how we have progressed through a trauma. We can see what we may need to change to maintain existing or reach further progress. Even if the process appears to be slow, progress is moving forward, even if tiny steps at a time, and important to use to build healthier, happier lives.

When we have families, we aren't born with the innate knowledge, and no one automatically gives us a "How to Raise a Strong Family" manual on day one about how to raise children or prepare totally for the experience! And just when we think we know what we're doing with that first child, we discover that every child is different, has unique needs, and their own personality, even from birth. If another child is added to the family system, we adopt a child, take on the responsibility for caring for another family member's child, or our family grows as we become a blended family, the complexities increase even more. We take our own experiences and apply them to the way we were raised; try to change the methods of parenting we disliked in our own family of origin...and do the same in our relationships with our spouse. Sometimes those childhood experiences and observations are effective. Sometimes they are not. And an added level occurs when our partner has a different set of childhood experiences, observations, and training. The good news is that studies have shown that there are basically six secrets that parents can unite together to use that will help them build stronger, healthier families! We must first realize there is no perfect family. The idea of a "perfect family" is a fantasy, and illusion, and simply doesn't exist. Once we make that realization, we can quit holding onto artificial, unrealistic expectations and get down to the business of building a strong family itself. All families have difficulties, but how they address those difficulties is important. Just like a happy marriage, a unified family that support each other but also appreciate each other's differences and ability to think for themselves, can be an experience that makes daily life more joyful and relaxed. There is great power in a family (or couple) who work together toward goals that enhance the relationships founds within that system. It's important to lay the groundwork, the foundation, to make our families as strong and resilient as possible. When we take time to do that, it can create a less chaotic, more stable life for our children, our spouses, ourselves, and even spread into our communities and nation. Those daily habits of self-respect, kindness, thoughtfulness, and attention to each other's needs pays off big time daily and long-term. In decades of research, Dr. Nick Stinett interviewed families felt to be the strongest in their communities. Dr. Stinett focused on patterns in families to determine what makes families strong, rather than focusing on what's "wrong" with families in society. It was a comprehensive study of the patterns and characteristics of strong families, both from a therapeutic standpoint, as well as from the communication, and family health standpoints. Dr. Stinnett was given a grant from the U.S. Department of Health to disseminate the information from the long-term research that he'd gathered, along with the universities he'd partnered with. Two therapists from each state in the U.S. was invited to receive specialized training at the University of Nebraska and to be certified as a Building Family Strengths Trainer. I was honored to be one of the two therapists chosen from Texas to attend the week of intense training. It was enlightening, encompassing, cutting-edge theoretical in the area of family systems, and practical as it taught those of us who had been selected how to train other professionals and leaders who provide family support or therapy. What I also discovered was that the training had a tremendous impact me personally and on how I saw my own family and its impact on me as a child and into adulthood. It made me realize specific characteristics of my own family that had molded me; it helped me understand that change is difficult but can also be the driving force for creating happier families and personal lives. It made me realize that no matter the difficulty any person has in their childhood, they CAN make a better childhood for their own children and families. They can toss away the burdens of their own childhood and move on positively and productively in life. They can undo what generations of teaching or parenting may have laid at their feet and choose a different path and take their family on a better journey. The information I received through the research done by Dr. Stinnett at Oklahoma State University and shared through the University of Nebraska was career changing professionally for me as I applied those concepts into my counseling practice. I saw the results as I watched many, many families embrace tools that allowed them to become stronger, turn their lives (& those of their family) around, and become happier in life. The information Dr. Stinnett shared through the dissemination of his long-term research showed that there are basically SIX SECRETS of STRONG FAMILIES that emerged.  That's it! Only 6 secrets, not thousands. These patterns repeated themselves over and over again in strong families. Secret #1: Commitment! Commitment to family is a promise of time, interest and energy.  The family, as a whole, is committed to seeing each member reach his or her fullest potential. It does not include a scenario where one individual or multiple individuals are forced to suffer long-term so others in the family can thrive while another doesn’t. Even if a family pitches in together to help one member (such as working extra hours so one member can attend college, purchase transportation to work, etc.), the family is working together to improve the lives of all in the family system Secret #2 is Wellness! Wellness is shared values of life! The family agree on what's important in life, their shared values. It includes a shared faith or belief system. It includes shared traditions and shared expectations. These beliefs help family members trust others and learn to give and receive love. Being able to trust another person builds confidence and empathy toward others. Receiving love allows a person to being able to show love toward others. These shared values act as a sort of "roadmap" to reach the definition of what the family looks like and that it's ok to have a shared family value system that differs from other families. Secret #3: Communication! Effective communication in strong families involves clear, direct channels between speaker and listener. Families develop complicated ways of communication and members may be unaware just exactly what they are "saying" by a certain word, phrase or action. Individuals use a combination of verbal and non-verbal actions to get messages to others. However, strong families have learned, or are learning, ways to communicate directly and to use consistent verbal and non-verbal behaviors. They remain on the issue, and avoid moving into the murky waters of blame, attack of another person or a relationship. ( Click here to read about the importance of effective communication, among couples, as well as among families.) Secret #4: Appreciation! Strong Families Show Appreciation for Every Other Family Member! Appreciation involves being able to recognize beautiful, positive aspects of others and to let them know you value these qualities. It also means being able to receive compliments yourself.  Appreciation doesn't mean there is a "hero" in the family who is the greatest. It means that all the family recognizes the special skills and characteristics of each family member, encourages, and applauds that member. It means taking time away from oneself to focus on another family member. It removes competition or jealousy and recognizes that each family member is unique and applauds those strengths. Secret #5: Spending Time Together! Spending time together as a family may be the most rewarding experience for humans. Two important features of time together are quality and quantity. Strong families spend meaningful time with each other and spend time together a lot. This gives a family an identify unobtainable in any other way.  It means spending time together every day. Spending time preparing or eating meals together is a wonderful time to encourage each other (don't use it as a time for negativism, or criticism). Daily time outside is refreshing, and even homework can be a more positive experience if everyone is doing work together, studying together, or planning together. Spending time together doesn't need to be expensive. It can simply be paying attention to each other. Day trips, hiking, karaoke or singing together, going on walks, going to the movies or theatre, camping, exercising , having hobbies or playing games together, reading together , and vacations can also be times well spent. Secret #6: Ability to Address Stress, Conflict & Crisis! Previous strengths create an "inner core of power" for families.  This core serves as a resource for those times when conflict and crisis come. By having that "inner core", it will help reduce stress and even prevent potential conflicts and crisis from ever arising.  Finding effective ways to identify and resolve stress in families lays the foundation for our children to be able to also address life's conflicts and crisis. This will translate into the skillsets they develop in their future families, as well as at work, and in other relationships and interactions with strangers, neighbors, and friends. Again, communication is the key and teaching children to identify their feelings, emotional triggers, and how to stay on the issue is critical. Strong families are able to survive, and even grow stronger, in the face of difficult as well as good times. Contact our offices if you'd like to receive counseling on ways to build a stronger family by calling 210-970-1511 or register for appointments at www.CliftonFuller.com . Read about our Care Card Gift Cards for those you care about who would love to have a counseling or coaching gift card to learn ways to help strengthen their family.