There are ways to address grief, even during holidays when feelings are so intense and more
deeply felt. We're told things about grief that just aren't true. We're told we're in control. then surprised when we're unexpectedly hit hard by that loss again. Often it's triggered by something simple: a smell, taste, something we see, or even sound we hear. Let's find ways to address grief effectively.
As the days shorten and the holidays draw to a close, we have opportunity to take stock of our past and future, to examine the events of the past year and prepare for the new.
It is almost impossible not to have the past few years shoved in our faces, collectively, by the holidays.
During what is supposed to be a time of celebration, we may feel pain and loss even more sharply. Old hurts compound with the new, and the heartache that we thought was behind us may suddenly rise back to the surface. This is especially true as all the "norms" are no longer norms, and that reality causes us grief, and it hits especially hard during the holidays when we see others experiencing joy that we do not feel.
Grief comes when there is an existential loss, and that happens to everyone in life. We are put in complex social situations, experienced the loss of influential figures, family, friends, position, employment, social status or situations that impact our personal or family security. This may be through relocation, divorce, separations, transitions of friends or family, or death. The absence of those we have lost, or what we have lost, is felt with incredible power and intensity.
You may be familiar with the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief, from On Death and Dying. These steps are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This is not going to be one of those types of articles.
Most advice is built on the premise of “Speed-Running” through the stages, which is trying to sprint to Acceptance in the briefest time possible to avoid interrupting the flow of productivity. The Stages of Grief don’t really work like that. Kubler-Ross was working with terminal patients, people forced to accept their own mortality. They observed how some of these patients were able to come to terms of acceptance by moving through the stages.
Dealing with grief isn’t a set progression; the stages can come in any order and may cycle. Even coming to acceptance of the loss does not preclude one from suffering intense depression, anger, or guilt again. Dealing with grief is often a life-long practice. The big kicker is that we tend to think about grief in all the wrong ways.
There are often "triggers" that set off grief. It may be seeing a happy couple laughing together when your partner isn't there to laugh with you. It may be seeing the first Christmas lights going up, shining brightly in the neighborhood when you feel things are dark. It may be the sounds of music that don't match your mood. It may even a certain smell that used to bring happy memories but no longer does. Our environments and senses may trigger our emotions deeply.
We think of grief as an event in our lives, a response to a larger change. It’s not.
Grief is a process that allows us to handle the emotions that come with that loss, the recognition that we will have to live without the benefits of the relationship, position, or situation we are mourning.
At the very core, Grief is our way of handling the primal knowledge that we are not in control of the events, that we do not have total agency over our lives. When that realization is forced upon us by a massive change, our feelings of powerlessness and regret over past decisions reinforce each other to build a deep and powerful well of sorrow. There is no way around it, unfortunately, no matter how much we have our lives together, no matter how in control of our situations we might feel that we are. Even a single incident, whether illness, divorce or breakup, or an unexpected death, can bring that false sense of security crashing down. Even seeing Christmas lights during the holidays or smelling a holiday scent may catapult us into unexpected, yet deep grief.
So, it’s better for those who are still striving to survive to get rid of that delusion, to come to grips with the lack of control, and come to terms with it. When we lose the sense that we have to direct the events of our lives and accept that grief is inevitable, we are able to better prepare ourselves for loss. We will find a sense of peace by letting go of our own self-imposed responsibility for making sure that nothing goes wrong again. Since Grief is inevitable, we cannot live our lives in fear of it. The act of mourning, the difficulty that we feel when we do so, is an honor to those that we have lost, and even in our pain, we must reframe that loss into a deeper remembrance.
Loss isn’t limited to people, either. It can be felt any time a pattern is disrupted, whether in a relationship, career, or, as we see during the holidays, when traditions are “imperfect.” Missing a holiday event because of safety concerns during the pandemic can feel like a devastating loss, as if control has been ripped from us in a world that only gives it sparingly, because IT IS. We mourn the loss of “The Way Things Used To Be,” and that’s natural. We may even direct anger toward those who bear no responsibility or cause for our loss because they don’t say the right thing, don’t react as we feel they should, or do not respond as we feel is appropriate.
Grief is not Depression, though they may seem similar at times. Grief is caused due to the perception of Loss; Depression, especially in a clinical sense, is caused by chemical imbalance. Grief can lead to depression, though; A loss great enough to create feelings of grief is constantly on the forefront of our minds, and it consumes tremendous focus and emotional resources to navigate. The biggest giveaway that this is happening is the disruption of sleep; if you find yourself lying awake, just hurting, you need to be aware that depression is right behind you. We need sleep and rest to regulate our mood, through serotonin production, and losing sleep is the biggest red flag that the grief is getting rough enough that you need some help.
Grief can be shared. A sympathetic ear is more helpful than you might think, and while our intrinsic tendency is to suffer alone, keeping our grief personal, putting our feelings into words with someone who understands the nuance of the situation can help reframe the perspective. Running from grief, or trying to be strong, will only serve to make the feelings hit that much harder when they do come around. Grief is hardest when you’re alone, at your lowest, and have the time and capacity to ruminate on your feelings. Grief can become a point of obsession, and some people never manage to defeat it. Get some help.
Therapy is your friend. Therapists are trained to help navigate these emotions, and don’t have the same connection to the pain that you may feel, which allows them to be more objective. It’s important to note, a therapist can’t take your grief away. That’s unrealistic, and not the goal for which to aim. Therapists can help you build the emotional mechanisms that will allow you to embrace that deep loss and continue living. While we endure grief, we cannot let it overwhelm us, can’t let it tear us away from the progress that we make in the rest of our lives. We must Live On, regardless of how living-on is defined. We must find a sense of purpose, and if the pain is so powerful that we lose track of it, we need to take necessary time to create a new sense of purpose. Grief and loss do not hour time. Grief may be brief; it may be years or decades. It may circle back around and bit us at unexpected times.
But understanding grief, and finding tools to deal with it, will insure we are able to manage it, now and in the future. We need to prepare for loss. We need to come to a level of acceptance that terrible loss will occur, and we can do that by paying close attention to the world around us. There is always loss, it’s just usually so far removed from our experiences that we do not notice it. While it might seem counterproductive to take on the grief of others, by developing a sense of empathy and understanding about how loss impacts people we don’t know, we can anticipate how such loss will impact those closer to us, and ourselves. Most importantly, we have to come to grips with the fact that we cannot escape grief; we can try and deny it, but we will fail. We can try and outrun it, but it will catch up to us.
That does NOT mean that we are powerless. It means we just must prepare ourselves. Like lifting weights, the more that we practice accepting the loss in our lives, the stronger we become. We can weather the storm. We can make it through the winter. We can do it, together. After that, we can do the most important thing possible; We can help others do the same.
“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.” (Jose N. Harris) “Your memory feels like home to me. So, whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you.” (Ranata Suzuki)
Feeling loss means we cared deeply. And we CAN recover from loss! It takes time, but getting support may be the first step to address the pain of loss, or to move forward to live a full and satisfying life again.
We need to prepare for loss. We need to come to a level of acceptance that terrible loss will occur, and we can do that by paying close attention to the world around us. There is always loss, it’s just usually so far removed from our experiences that we do not notice it.
While it might seem counterproductive to take on the grief of others, by developing a sense of empathy and understanding how loss impacts people we don’t know, we can anticipate how such loss will impact those closer to us, and ourselves. Most importantly, we have to come to grips with the fact that we cannot escape grief; we can try and deny it, but we will fail. We can try and outrun it, but it will catch up to us. That does NOT mean that we are powerless. It means we just must prepare ourselves. Like lifting weights, the more that we practice accepting the loss in our lives, the stronger we become.
We can weather the storm. We can make it through the winter. We can do it, together. After that, we can do the most important thing possible; We can help others do the same.
I work with people who feel as if they will never be able to recover from deep loss. They may experience deep depression, lack of interest in life or interactions with others, fear of future loss. They may feel as if they are in quicksand, slowly sinking without help to escape the pain.
I tell them not to give up. Together, we address the deep pain of loss, whether it’s the need to address loss of a deeply loved person or persons, loss of financial security, a close friend, loss of health, a pet, a job, a support network, or even personal status. Loss will be experienced by all of us at some point in our lives. But it’s how we recover and heal that determines how effective we are in addressing the loss. We can feel happiness after loss, and it's ok to allow yourself to take time to heal.” ~Clifton Fuller
If you know someone struggling with grief or deep loss, consider giving them the gift of a Care Card; a gift you can give to them to encourage them to seek counseling to address their loss.
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