Communicate Love and Respect
- Clifton Fuller
- 5 hours ago
- 9 min read
Updated: 43 minutes ago
Want to build stronger relationships? Then communicate love and respect for others! But first, learn to communicate in the language that your partner, associates, or friends hear, understand, and value!
Therapists know that the #1 reason couples seek counseling is due to conflicts and they also know that conflicts most often occur due to miscommunication. If those communication issues can be addressed, the relationship can heal and become even stronger. But if a couple chooses or is unable to address the communication conflict issues in their relationship, it will fail, end in divorce, or end up in discontent, distance or unhappiness in life. Happy couples learn the most effective ways to communicate love to each other.
Happy work experiences are those where employer and coworkers communicate respect for each other. Happy business interactions are those that communicate expectations well and are fair to all concerned. Happy school, community, or any relationship are those where we all feel valued. When we communicate in positive ways that we care about others, we all win.
The Wrong Kind of Candy: In grad school, my wife and I worked long hours to make ends meet financially. During that time, we decided that for our family, with two young sons, my wife would be a stay-at-home mom and work from home rather than work outside the home. (My wife is an educator). Because we only had one car, I did the grocery shopping on my way home from work based on a list we would compile during the week. I had one exception: I would occasionally buy a candy bar that definitely was not on the grocery list.
I grew up poor in the 1950s. For me, candy was a rare luxury. Time and money were also tight in grad school, but my wife has always been happy with simple expressions of love; flowers picked along a walk, discovering a heart-shaped rock, or special hand-made notes from the boys. But I also knew that she loved chocolate.
I couldn't do it often, but occasionally, while at the grocery store, I would buy a special candy bar for her. I'd pick a big name chocolate, king-sized bar with caramel, nougat, and topped with peanuts! Childhood poverty has a way of making even small gestures carry major emotional rewards. I also knew she’d love the thought that I had been thinking about her.
One evening as I began putting the groceries away, I proudly pulled out a peanut topped, king-sized candy bar I'd purchased for her. She smiled and kissed me, thanking me for thinking of her. That made me happy.
Many months later, while searching for a large dish to serve spaghetti for dinner, I opened a top cabinet door where I knew the large platters were stored. As I opened the cabinet door, much to my surprise, a bunch of candy bars tumbled out.
I said, “Whoa! What are all these candy bars doing here?” My wife responded, “I hid the bars because I don’t want the kids to eat candy too often.” I then realized that the fallen candy stash included most of the candy bars I'd previously bought for her. “Honey,” I replied, “I didn’t buy the candy bars for the kids; the candy was for YOU.” She replied, “I thought that was sweet and I loved that you thought of me and did that, but I don’t like candy with peanuts or coconut.”
As we gathered the candy bars, I suddenly realized that I'd never even thought about asking her what kind of candy she liked. Instead, I had bought the kind of candy I thought she'd like, which also happened to be the kind of candy that I liked.
All the effort I had put into months of affectionate action wasn’t wasted; my wife thought it was still very caring and loving. She understood me and knew that, even in difficult times, I enjoyed giving her small gifts.
I then asked her what kind of candy she liked, she told me, and from then on, I bought the kind of candy she loved. I applied that thinking to other things in our life... I found out what she interpreted as loving and caring and liked...NOT what I thought she liked or what I liked.
I’m a big believer in learning from my mistakes, and there was indeed a lesson here.
The lesson I learned was to ask and found out!
Many of us often don’t ask for feedback. Sometimes, we don’t know things because we simply don’t think to ask.
When we commit to a relationship, we need to commit. Something as simple as making a 'caring deeds' list and being honest, without fearing ridicule, is one of the simplest things we can do.
When we do not communicate what we want, share what makes us feel cared about, or let our partners, family or friends know what we need, we miss life opportunities. We create misunderstandings and obstruct transparency in communication.
We may think communication doesn't matter.
It only matters... IF you want a happy life!
Honest transparency in communication builds stronger relationships. Lack of communication chokes relationships. Lack of communication causes divisions, misunderstandings, incorrect interpretations, apathy, and even anger. Lies, deception, or anger builds distrust.
Being honest and truthful builds trust, increases joy, lessons stress, builds understanding, empathy, compassion, and love.
An important teaching tool for potential therapists is to watch counseling in action, whether 'live' or in mock video enactments. As a college student, we had to watch a video of an older couple in counseling. The diminutive wife had declared she intended to leave the marriage due to the years of feeling unloved by her husband. Her decision surprised him and he'd been forced to attend counseling 'if' he wanted to avoid a divorce. (Read more about the danger of using 'if' and 'then' statements here.)
"He has changed and has become a real jerk" she declared. He was no longer the man she'd married. How had he changed? She said when they'd dated, he had chased her, wooed her with affection, compliments, promises, love, and kindness. Then after years of marriage, he had gradually become cold and distant. She no longer enjoyed sex with him, as she felt he only 'turned on' the affection when he wanted sex. She viewed sex with him as being manipulative. Intimacy no longer felt like an expression of love or affection to her, but she instead felt exploited.
He confirmed he still loved her, as she did him, but then he said, "I told her I loved her when we married. I don't think I need to keep telling her that every day." He was wrong.
He did need to keep telling her he loved her. Such simple three words to say. He needed to keep telling her how much he loved her, acknowledging the good things she did, and the special things he loved about her, in order to rebuild a joyful relationship.
He needed to treat her as he had early in their relationship, as the 'one to catch', with the same tenderness, love, excitement, and behavior that had won her heart. Instead, his lack of kindness and appreciative loving communication screamed that he'd become a real jerk. And she heard, and felt, that message loud and clear.
I don't recall any feedback from the video we'd watched, but I do recall telling myself, "I don't want to make that mistake with my wife or ever make her feel unloved or unvalued." I also was puzzled as to the reasons how a person we love most in our lives... loved enough to ask them to walk with us through life, could turn from a loving relationship into one that was hated or despised.
My youngest son and his wife had known each other for a while, but when they began exclusively dating, her approach caught him off-guard. He laughingly tells the story of how the sushi arrived on their 'first formal date', and she asked him, straight-faced, “Where do you see this date going? What is it that you’re hoping to achieve?” It intrigued him that this woman was so forthright and open to true discussion of who they were and their expectations without any facades. They’ve been married for decades now. They’re still nuts about each other and know each other well. They are committed to the person they knew before marriage, as there were no gimmicks from day one. No dishonesty. Whether they agree or disagree with each other, they try to work things out as they care more about their partner than personal or others’ views. They know each other well.
Want to get started to build a stronger relationship? Begin the journey by developing stronger communication skills! Remove distractions, sit down, and make a list of what, to you, shows caring. Ask your partner to do that same.
No matter how uncomfortable you feel initially, take time to spend along together, and make a list for each other. Start with a lined piece of paper with the title “I FEEL CARED ABOUT WHEN…” and list ten ways you feel cared about. (Want to save time? Download our form)
On your list, write the things that make you feel loved and cared about.
This next part is vital. Make sure that the things you write down are honest and positive (no room for ‘dirty positives’ here…as those are like constant knife cuts that wound. No room for dishonesty or flattery that isn't true, as that creates distrust). Be specific (concrete, not general) and list small things. Keep it short and sweet. We want actions and gestures that are simple enough to be performed daily, not financially burdensome or intensely time-consuming, and can be built into positive habits. (Read more about 'Dirty-Positives' here.)
Make sure that the action is NOT the subject of a recent conflict; if there was a spat about something in the past couple of weeks, don’t include it on the list, no matter how good it would feel to push that button. Good examples to list are simple actions such as “kiss me goodnight” or “keep a can of soda in the fridge for me,” instead of dead-in-the-water entries like “buy me a new car,” “solve the conflicts of the world” or “don'ts.” ("Don't shop so much", "Don't spend so much time with your friends," etc.). The first two hit all of our criteria; the last three are functionally impossible. For a list of 75 ideas to consider, Click Here
List ten items that, to you, reflect love or caring. List more, if you want your partner to have even more choices and information about actions & words that communicate caring to you.
The goal is to give your partner a list with many options, enough that they can do multiple actions daily, not necessarily every action. You can also choose different items daily to create variety to show caring acts of love toward your partner.
Ask that your partner also make a list of what represents caring and love to them, as this is a two-way street. If you both follow the criteria, you’ll be AMAZED at how easy it is to do and how much it means to your partner... and to you. And to top it off, if it’s positive and focused on making your partner happy, it can also be a lot of fun for both of you.
Add to the list as your relationship deepens and you realize your partner is the #1 person in the world. It’s renewing to a relationship if you both seek simple ways to show and reinforce your love for each other in the ways the other understands is totally for them. Carry the list with you. Do the little things as part of your life… not as big grand gestures, but as simple acts of love.
Making sure you’re giving the right kind of candy also works with others, including children, friends, other family members and even co-workers!
Listen to what they are trying to tell you about themselves and what's important to them! Download the “I feel cared about when…” forms by clicking below: ~Wife Caring Deeds Form ~Husband Caring Deeds Form ~Caring Deeds Form (Child, Friend, Co-Worker)
Communication is the key! Use it to enrich your life and the lives of others.