Caring Deeds and Actions
- Clifton Fuller
- Jun 20
- 5 min read
Caring deeds (actions) build stronger relationships between couples, families, and in relationships. It is effective and has been used widely in marriage or family therapy as a catalyst for change in relationships that is long-term and, if used correctly, can become permanent.
Caring is showing and expressing concern about, attentiveness to, or love to another person. Caring is all about having empathy, compassion, thoughtfulness, love toward another, awareness and understanding of another person's needs or desires.
Caring is putting others above ourselves.
It is basic teaching in many religions, "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them," or "Love one another," or "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
Marriage therapists recognize how powerful this concept is and how it can transform lives!
Many individuals came to counseling because they feel unloved. Couples have conflict because they don't feel the other partner cares about them. Children become bullies because they aren't taught to feel empathy or care about others.
Caring, and finding ways to express it to others, is pivotal in relationships, parenting, family, work, and world interactions.
Because there are so many ways to be caring in our lives, it can sometimes be overwhelming at first, but I encourage readers to take tiny steps to move to caring relationships...and discover big changes and increased life happiness and satisfaction.
One of the most powerful tools anyone has at their fingertips is the concept of "Caring Deeds" (actions, behaviors, words that show caring). We all need love and to know we are valued.
I first learned about "Family Caring Days" while in grad school. Our professors taught us about skilled marriage therapists with concepts that the professors would recommend because the application of that specific concept had proven to be highly effective in marriage and family therapy.
One such guru was Richard Stuart, author of Helping Couples Change, who introduced "family caring deeds" to prompt people to objectively list what caring meant to them in an effort to make desired or needed changes in relationships.
Stuart's theory was that for the concept to work and become a needed change, two principles must be accepted by the parties participating.
1/Use the "as if" principle
2/Use the <I will> "change first" principle
The "as if" principle states: "For growth and change to occur in families, each person must act as if the other members are interested in and committed to promoting relationship change and growth."
The "as if" principle becomes the foundation for increasing positive interactions. When trust had been questioned and commitment doubted, this principle recommits each individual to the family system.
It becomes an extremely positive statement, followed by measurable actions, that communicate to others in the family system that this person is determined and invested in making the needed changes. When that is communicated, trust grows stronger. The family system becomes more unified, increased satisfaction is felt by all involved, and conflict is reduced.
The "I will change first" principle takes it a step further, and deeper. Often, we wait for the "other person" to change first. We say this is because we want them to prove they are honestly invested in changing themselves. That "you change first and then I'll change" thinking undermines trust and negatively impacts the communication strengths that families or couples have in their power to obtain. It becomes a power struggle rather than a move toward improvement in communication and expressions of heartfelt caring among participants.
The "change first" principle states:
"To resolve differences in family relationships, all members must accept the responsibility for changing their own behavior first in order to promote growth and change in others."
The idea reflects the "process of reciprocal change" (i.e., shared, joint, mutual, returned change).
It set the foundation that each family member must be, and is, willing to change his or her behavior, whether or not anybody else has done so.
Caring deeds are agreements made between family members or spouses to do little things for each other that demonstrate caring, in the way the other person conceptualizes caring.
Each family member, or partner, compiles a list of 6-8 actions he or she would like others in the family to do that they believe show caring.
Each person makes their own list, writing their name at the top of their list. (Any list will do but click here for an easy pre-formed page that is easy to download, print, and make your list.)
Each person's list should be at least six caring deeds listed by each person, but if more are desired by family members, 6-8 are a good starting point.
Each family member should be able to and strive to easily do a minimum of 6 caring deeds daily toward every family member participating.
There are four rules to listing our caring deeds.
They must be positive.
They must be specific
They must be "small" behaviors that can easily be demonstrated daily.
They cannot be the subject of recent conflict.
After each member has written their list of deeds (actions) they believe show caring to them, each list should be shared and discussed with the other.
This is the time to ask questions about requests to have a clear understanding of the caring deed and its meaning and expectation by the person making the request. That person should state precisely what, when, and how he or she wants others to respond.
These requests, the family or partner's "caring deed agreement", are posted to serve as a reminder and acknowledgment of actions done for each person.
Record each time a behavior is done by writing the first initial of the person and the day it was done. Only those receiving the caring behaviors should mark them on their caring deed page. The person doing the caring deed does not list her or her name by the caring deed; it is the person who receives the deed that acknowledges it.
Encourage your partner or family members to add to the list at any time, always following the 4 rules above. Short-term caring actions, and writing them down to recognize and acknowledge them, can build powerful long-range trust, commitment, increased positivity and happiness, and deeper love in relationships in all couples and families.
Begin doing Caring Deeds for a week, evaluate how it has changed you, add or revise your caring deeds list, and begin the second week. By writing your caring deeds, you are more likely to remember them, reinforce them, and be successful!
Caring Deeds can change your life in some very positive ways! Give it a try.
“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.” ~Stephen Hawking
Additional resources: Stuart, R. B. (1980). Helping couples change: A social learning approach to marital therapy. New York: Guilford Press.
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