When we have families, we aren't born with the innate knowledge, and no one automatically gives us a "How to Raise a Strong Family" manual on day one about how to raise children or prepare totally for the experience!
And just when we think we know what we're doing with that first child, we discover that every child is different, has unique needs, and their own personality, even from birth. If another child is added to the family system, we adopt a child, take on the responsibility for caring for another family member's child, or our family grows as we become a blended family, the complexities increase even more.
We take our own experiences and apply them to the way we were raised; try to change the methods of parenting we disliked in our own family of origin...and do the same in our relationships with our spouse.
Sometimes those childhood experiences and observations are effective. Sometimes they are not. And an added level occurs when our partner has a different set of childhood experiences, observations, and training.
The good news is that studies have shown that there are basically six secrets that parents can unite together to use that will help them build stronger, healthier families!
We must first realize there is no perfect family. The idea of a "perfect family" is a fantasy, and illusion, and simply doesn't exist. Once we make that realization, we can quit holding onto artificial, unrealistic expectations and get down to the business of building a strong family itself.
All families have difficulties, but how they address those difficulties is important. Just like a happy marriage, a unified family that support each other but also appreciate each other's differences and ability to think for themselves, can be an experience that makes daily life more joyful and relaxed. There is great power in a family (or couple) who work together toward goals that enhance the relationships founds within that system.
It's important to lay the groundwork, the foundation, to make our families as strong and resilient as possible. When we take time to do that, it can create a less chaotic, more stable life for our children, our spouses, ourselves, and even spread into our communities and nation. Those daily habits of self-respect, kindness, thoughtfulness, and attention to each other's needs pays off big time daily and long-term.
In decades of research, Dr. Nick Stinett interviewed families felt to be the strongest in their communities. Dr. Stinett focused on patterns in families to determine what makes families strong, rather than focusing on what's "wrong" with families in society. It was a comprehensive study of the patterns and characteristics of strong families, both from a therapeutic standpoint, as well as from the communication, and family health standpoints.
Dr. Stinnett was given a grant from the U.S. Department of Health to disseminate the information from the long-term research that he'd gathered, along with the universities he'd partnered with. Two therapists from each state in the U.S. was invited to receive specialized training at the University of Nebraska and to be certified as a Building Family Strengths Trainer.
I was honored to be one of the two therapists chosen from Texas to attend the week of intense training. It was enlightening, encompassing, cutting-edge theoretical in the area of family systems, and practical as it taught those of us who had been selected how to train other professionals and leaders who provide family support or therapy.
What I also discovered was that the training had a tremendous impact me personally and on how I saw my own family and its impact on me as a child and into adulthood. It made me realize specific characteristics of my own family that had molded me; it helped me understand that change is difficult but can also be the driving force for creating happier families and personal lives. It made me realize that no matter the difficulty any person has in their childhood, they CAN make a better childhood for their own children and families. They can toss away the burdens of their own childhood and move on positively and productively in life. They can undo what generations of teaching or parenting may have laid at their feet and choose a different path and take their family on a better journey.
The information I received through the research done by Dr. Stinnett at Oklahoma State University and shared through the University of Nebraska was career changing professionally for me as I applied those concepts into my counseling practice. I saw the results as I watched many, many families embrace tools that allowed them to become stronger, turn their lives (& those of their family) around, and become happier in life.
The information Dr. Stinnett shared through the dissemination of his long-term research showed that there are basically SIX SECRETS of STRONG FAMILIES that emerged. That's it! Only 6 secrets, not thousands. These patterns repeated themselves over and over again in strong families.
Secret #1: Commitment!
Commitment to family is a promise of time, interest and energy.
The family, as a whole, is committed to seeing each member reach his or her fullest potential.
It does not include a scenario where one individual or multiple individuals are forced to suffer long-term so others in the family can thrive while another doesn’t.
Even if a family pitches in together to help one member (such as working extra hours so one member can attend college, purchase transportation to work, etc.), the family is working together to improve the lives of all in the family system
Secret #2 is Wellness!
Wellness is shared values of life!
The family agree on what's important in life, their shared values. It includes a shared faith or belief system. It includes shared traditions and shared expectations.
These beliefs help family members trust others and learn to give and receive love. Being able to trust another person builds confidence and empathy toward others. Receiving love allows a person to being able to show love toward others.
These shared values act as a sort of "roadmap" to reach the definition of what the family looks like and that it's ok to have a shared family value system that differs from other families.
Secret #3: Communication!
Effective communication in strong families involves clear, direct channels between speaker and listener.
Families develop complicated ways of communication and members may be unaware just exactly what they are "saying" by a certain word, phrase or action.
Individuals use a combination of verbal and non-verbal actions to get messages to others. However, strong families have learned, or are learning, ways to communicate directly and to use consistent verbal and non-verbal behaviors. They remain on the issue, and avoid moving into the murky waters of blame, attack of another person or a relationship. (Click here to read about the importance of effective communication, among couples, as well as among families.)
Secret #4: Appreciation!
Strong Families Show Appreciation for Every Other Family Member!
Appreciation involves being able to recognize beautiful, positive aspects of others and to let them know you value these qualities. It also means being able to receive compliments yourself.
Appreciation doesn't mean there is a "hero" in the family who is the greatest. It means that all the family recognizes the special skills and characteristics of each family member, encourages, and applauds that member. It means taking time away from oneself to focus on another family member. It removes competition or jealousy and recognizes that each family member is unique and applauds those strengths.
Secret #5: Spending Time Together!
Spending time together as a family may be the most rewarding experience for humans.
Two important features of time together are quality and quantity.
Strong families spend meaningful time with each other and spend time together a lot. This gives a family an identify unobtainable in any other way.
It means spending time together every day. Spending time preparing or eating meals together is a wonderful time to encourage each other (don't use it as a time for negativism, or criticism). Daily time outside is refreshing, and even homework can be a more positive experience if everyone is doing work together, studying together, or planning together. Spending time together doesn't need to be expensive. It can simply be paying attention to each other. Day trips, hiking, karaoke or singing together, going on walks, going to the movies or theatre, camping, exercising, having hobbies or playing games together, reading together, and vacations can also be times well spent.
Secret #6: Ability to Address Stress, Conflict & Crisis!
Previous strengths create an "inner core of power" for families.
This core serves as a resource for those times when conflict and crisis come. By having that "inner core", it will help reduce stress and even prevent potential conflicts and crisis from ever arising.
Finding effective ways to identify and resolve stress in families lays the foundation for our children to be able to also address life's conflicts and crisis. This will translate into the skillsets they develop in their future families, as well as at work, and in other relationships and interactions with strangers, neighbors, and friends. Again, communication is the key and teaching children to identify their feelings, emotional triggers, and how to stay on the issue is critical.
Strong families are able to survive, and even grow stronger, in the face of difficult as well as good times.
Contact our offices if you'd like to receive counseling on ways to build a stronger family by calling 210-970-1511 or register for appointments at www.CliftonFuller.com. Read about our Care Card Gift Cards for those you care about who would love to have a counseling or coaching gift card to learn ways to help strengthen their family.
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