The name “narcissist” originated from the Greek mythology legend of a handsome young man, named Narcissus, who fell in love with himself when he accidently saw his reflection in a pool of water. He became obsessed with his image in the water, deciding he was perfect, and refused to leave or stop staring at his reflection. He grew weak as he slowly starved himself, refusing to eat or do anything but stare at his reflection. He eventually laid down by the pool of water gazing at himself until he died.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes narcissism as, "excessive love and admiration for oneself and especially one's own appearance".
When the behavior becomes extreme, the pathology goes much deeper than the dictionary's simple definition because it begins to impact self and others. It is not "normal behavior". It is not an over-abundance of confidence. It can become a harmful or dangerous personality disorder.
Narcissism, as a pathological self-absorption characteristic, was first identified as a disorder in 1898 by Havelock Ellis and written about in psychological reports, including Freud's "On Narcissism".
The APA (American Psychiatric Association) first listed the classification narcissistic personality disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) in 1968 and included the term megalomania.
We all have varying degrees of selfishness. At times, we all may rationalize our behaviors, as it's painful or embarrassing to be "wrong", make mistakes, or display unacceptable behaviors. But making mistakes is a part of life. Healthy individuals learn coping skills, admit their mistakes, find solutions, and try to avoid repeating the same mistakes.
Not all people who appear egotistical are narcissists and many individuals with high levels of confidence support and care about others. Self-care is not narcissism, as long as caring for yourself doesn’t exclude care of and respect toward others.
What makes the difference in "normal" behavior and "abnormal" behavior is the intensity, or degree, in which certain traits or behavior are present and their consistency.
It’s important to educate ourselves, but also for parents to teach, and protect, their children from a narcissist. It's vital to identify potential dangers, navigate traps and manipulations, and build a plan of action, no matter what decisions one makes about their contact with a narcissist. See yourself clearly, not the way a narcissist repeatedly describes you, others, or himself.
Not every troubled marriage is because the other person is a narcissist. If you are in a troubled marriage, seek help to identify IF a narcissist is involved...or not.
If you are a narcissist, it's important to seek help, counseling, and life-long support to change or address behaviors that may feel natural to you, but which are not.
Narcissists create surreal worlds full of constant upheaval, chaos, distrust, and destruction in order to feel powerful and control others. But it also calms them down when they believe others feel the same turmoil they constantly feel inside. If there is no chaos or division, they often create it.
By educating ourselves about the narcissistic personality, we protect ourselves and our families from their damaging impact on our lives, our faith, our businesses, our relationships, and our children. Not all narcissists are the same. They carry differing degrees of psychopathy and different levels of danger, both emotionally and physically.
Know the different types of narcissists!
Unlike fictional vampires, narcissistic vampires do exist, and they see others as prey to feed off of or abuse emotionally or physically. Some people know little about the personality or do not know about the more serious narcissistic personality disorders (NPDs) until they have been "bitten" by one, had their life energy drained away, their reality defined by lies or twisted truths, or even became convinced they were going crazy, even though it is a narcissist creating the turbulence.
The book, “Marriage Vampire: Living with a Narcissist”, pulls back the curtain, revealing the sources of a narcissist or NPD's seductiveness and supposed power. Like fictional vampires, true narcissistic vampires have no reflection of their own. They are not what you see when you pass a mirror as you only see yourself or who you think they are. You will see what they want you to see…they reflect what they know you want. Narcissistic vampires have ability to con people. It’s their nature.
“Narcissists easily fake empathy, compassion and any other positive trait. Unlike ordinary people, they can do it well enough and long enough to hook almost anyone. It is the key to their success, and they do it without effort. It is the way they are made. This is why we call narcissism a disorder.” (Clifton Fuller, Marriage Vampire: Living with a Narcissist)
They are chameleon-like in nature, easily changing appearances to blend-in or reflect others desires or views. People may be completely convinced they "really know" a narcissist when that narcissist is only mirroring what the person wants to see.
A narcissist seeks self-gratification, through an idealized image of self. Characteristics include vanity, egotistic admiration, inflated self-image, and a desire for constant admiration.
Narcissists lack empathy or compassion for others and are often so self-absorbed that nothing matters if it interferes with their image of self or what they want.
Narcissists may become threatening or dangerous. They create a fake idea of who they are, even if it doesn’t match their behaviors (such as telling lies, then saying they didn’t say what they said, or even believing or acting as if they believe, their lies).
They may say something, but when confronted, will argue they never said what listeners heard, saw, recorded, or simply ignore truth. It’s almost as if they say the lies often enough, others will believe the lies, and the narcissist will also convince themselves that the lies are truth. We know repeated lies do not become truth; a narcissist doesn’t.
Narcissists won’t accept responsibility for their behaviors but play the role of the victim, placing blame at the feet of others.
NPDs often project their thoughts or actions on their victims, even though the victim never had those thoughts or acted in the way an NPD is accusing them of behaving.
Obtaining the favor of a narcissist will require people to bow-down to them (i.e. kiss the ring), not out of honor or respect, but to show servitude, loyalty, or fear. That subservient behavior thrills the NPD but will require that the person continue to subject themselves to future demoralization, abuse, and control by the narcissist in order to remain in their favor.
Narcissists are skilled at manipulating the values, or desires, of a person into doing what the NPD wants, even if goes against that person’s inner value system.
Narcissists are effective at using Biblical verses, twisting the meanings, and pressuring people of faith to do what the narcissist wants. They are skilled in taking documents, constitutions, texts or letters and inferring it says things it does not say or twist the meanings. Attorneys representing clients fighting a narcissist will have a more difficult job and should be especially cautious, and detail oriented, if their client is dissolving a marriage with a narcissist.
Narcissists easily lie to be highly effective at convincing people who desire power or praise to follow them. They may then threaten, manipulate or "expose" those same followers for doing things the NPD asked or demanded they do. NPDs can convince some people not to trust themselves, close friends, churches, businesses, family, or existing and former support groups or networks.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists traits of a narcissist. The seventh trait listed is that a narcissist has no empathy.
Empathy is an essential trait that narcissists lack as empathy is the ability to understand how others feel, respond to what is happening to them and what they need.
Empathy is the opposite of selfishness.
Narcissists are the 'wolves in sheep’s clothing’ that we are warned about in life from our childhood. They are those dangerous people who appear like other people, but inside, they will feed on others innocence, lack of information, knowledge, or trust.
"Without empathy, you cannot love your neighbor, enemy, or spouse. A narcissist does not understand these concepts, no matter how charming an NPD may be. Charm is not the same as love; charm is public relations. It is presentation and spin. Narcissists are charming but not loving. You can go to charm school, but there is no empathy school.” (Clifton Fuller quote in “Marriage Vampire: Living with a Narcissist")
A narcissist will deny it, but their characteristics always eventually show up in their behavior. I tell my clients to watch and recognize the patterns of behaviors and words that a narcissist will show you! If you have a shell, four legs and can quickly pull your body into that shell, you are a turtle. If you are a turtle with specific markings, a long neck, claws, a sharp beak that looks like a pointy nose, and have a mean disposition, you are a snapping turtle. Just like you learn the characteristics of snapping turtle and predict it's unwise to pat its shell, recognize a narcissist when he shows you who he is!
My first book, "Marriage Vampire: Living with a Narcissist", was written specifically for Christian women. Some readers requested that I also write a second book for all audiences, both male and female, both Christians and non-Christians. The second book, "The Narcissist: When Dreams Become Nightmares" includes clinical information, addresses the traps narcissists set to lure unsuspecting victims, the different types of narcissists, formation of their personalities, and how to address each type of narcissist.
When you know about narcissists, you become more empowered to avoid their entrapments, learn how to establish clear communication to decrease their ability to lie, how to set boundaries, when to confront and when not to confront them, and more effectively recognize their behavior patterns.
Every day we make choices. We must also deal with difficult personality types and individuals. But dealing with a narcissistic personality will require time, attention. limits, and knowledge. Arm yourself with information so that when you come into contact with a narcissist, as all of us will in life, you will be more prepared.
If you realize your behaviors reflect a potential narcissistic personality, seek help! Change is difficult, but with a willingness to obtain consistent (and possibly even life-long) counseling support, you are better able to address the complexities of a narcissistic personality, find better coping skills, be honest with yourself, and move forward as you attempt to find honesty and increased security in your relationships with others. Watch our video to learn even more or scan QR codes below to be redirected to book listings.
Scan QR codes below to be redirected directly to Amazon, where both books are available.
Commentaires