Since 1987, October has served as the month to observe and recognize the impact Domestic Violence has on our world.
Parts of this blog article first appeared on my former website in October 2020, during the pandemic when our world changed, life became more intense, and people became more isolated or withdrawn. (The video at the end of the blog reflects that time). But the information remains critical to know as individuals or families suffer domestic or emotional violence, and as others support those who are victims of domestic (or emotional) violence.
I will share articles about other types of abuse in the blogs on this site, such as rape or sexual assault, financial abuse, child abuse, elderly abuse, spousal abuse, bullying, catfishing (abusive cons), and stalking. However, this article focuses on domestic violence (physical violence against a family member).
Emotional or Domestic violence remains a serious problem, even as many individuals, groups, churches, counselors, and organizations work tirelessly to prevent, protect and educate those involved in domestic violence.
Mental health professionals were alarmed at skyrocketing domestic violence in 2020 (as it more than doubled from the previous year due to isolation, financial changes, fear, and changes in relationship roles during Covid). The trend continues as professional groups, police entities, government and community entities, churches and psychiatric, medical and mental health professionals attempt to decrease the number and severity of occurrences.
Efforts to combat domestic abuse increased following the passage of the 1994 VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) and the 2022 reauthorization of the VAWA as these laws addressed violence against women, human trafficking, discrimination against victims of domestic violence, violence against the disabled, dating violence, stalking, sex trafficking, assaults on tribal law enforcement officers on tribal lands, Increasing services and support for survivors from underserved and marginalized communities—including for LGBTQ, those serving in the military, law enforcement issues, and efforts to reduce homelessness for those in violent situations). These acts supported grants and programs for education against abuse, training, and care of those abused.
Domestic (family) violence is a serious issue that each and every one of us must address, whether as victims of abuse or if we are helping protect others from abuse, or whether we are in the mental healthcare field, or not. The health of a church, a community group, a business or even a nation depends upon the strength of each of its family groups. Listen to the video, read more, and discover facts and resources to help address domestic violence.
Statistics vary, but state that 1 in 3 (or 4) women and 1 in 5 (or 7) men…will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
When violence occurs, it is always a power and control issue.
Domestic Violence is described as: “violent or abusive behavior directed by one family or household member against another” (Merriam Webster Dictionary).
Domestic violence always has a component of physical aggression, as well as emotional and verbal abuse.
Emotional abuse is always present in cases of domestic violence; however, some people experience emotional abuse without experiencing domestic or physical violence.
Oftentimes domestic violence is intensified by sources outside the family, yet the anger, control, and frustration are directed toward the family, or toward a specific member of the family. As with a bully (or being bullied), the oppressor attacks those perceived to be most vulnerable, controllable, or who can be ‘hurt’ the most in the family.
Some triggers to domestic violence include drug use, alcohol abuse, financial stressors, loss of job or status, anger over other issues, depression, lack of trust or suspected affairs by partner, lack of communication between individuals involved, lack of caring about how the other feels, or simply because someone has "crossed" another person or when one did not "give in" to the other’s demands. We call these trigger reactions, as they are reactions that often result in dangerous, highly emotionally charged outcomes.
Oftentimes we think of domestic abuse as spouse against spouse, but that is not always the case. Even though the aggressive actions may be directed at a spouse or partner, it also can be directed at children, a parent, or others within the household.
Abuse is often connected with times of high stress, instability (war, conflict, financial stressors, loss of job, job change, moving to new area or city, death of loved one, medical crisis, etc.)
I am a child of domestic violence.
My father was in the Army, given multiple awards for bravery, and came back home from WW-II with "shell shock" or what we now call PTSD. He returned from the war "looking for a fight" with anyone, in or out of the family. I recall many times when he’d come home from a bar, beat-up, bloodied, drunk, and smiling as he told stories of how he'd agitated others until they fought with him. It's one of the reasons I do not drink, as I witnessed firsthand how alcohol decreased his control and reactions, while increasing his violence. My dad wasn't a "happy drunk" often portrayed in comedy parodies but was a violent man who'd slap us across the face as easily as he'd pick up a TV control.
I am the 5th of 7 children. We grew up in poverty, due to my father’s alcoholism, violence, and increasing inability to hold a job as he wrestled with the demons of war in his mind. My mother tried to pick up the slack, often working multiple jobs, leaving us younger kids in the care of ill-equipped, and certainly not trained, older siblings forced by necessity to assume a parental role. If it had not been for the help of my mother’s siblings, who often hid us in their homes (terrified of my father’s violence when he’d try to find out where we were hidden), we would not have survived.
My mother loved my father…at least the man he was when he wasn’t drinking or violent. He was funny, clever, and strong at those times. But he would change in the blink of an eye from that friendly Dr. Jekyll to a highly dangerous Mr. Hyde. As a longshoreman, he was muscular and strong. My mother attempted to leave my father many, many times before she was able to do so. After one especially intense fight, she literally called the police, rounded up all 7 of us kids (ranging in age from an infant to a 15-year-old son) and walked down the road to safety…with nothing but her kids in tow. She knew that in order to protect her children, she had to protect them from their own father. My mother divorced my dad, something that went against her Christian value system, but something she knew she had to do in order to protect us.
We lived with an aunt and uncle about a year, then due to financial situations, two of us (my oldest sister and I) were sent to live at a children’s home. I was in fifth grade. My older sister was a high school sophomore. My mother joined us later, as an employee of the children’s home, and it was only when I was a junior in high school that I was able to again live with my mother. My mother continued to live in terror that my dad would suddenly show up even though we lived 5 hours away. We all lived with that tension. As adults, we all had to learn to address the physical abuse and violence of our childhood. We did, but each in very different ways. It was only when my dad died that I felt safe. The anger I’d felt for many years continued, even after the times I’d witnessed, and felt firsthand, the abuse of my father toward my mother and all of us in the family.
I had to address that anger and it was that process that made me decide I would not live my life under the shadows, anger, and fear of what domestic violence had done to my mother, my siblings and me. I would consciously choose a different life. I would choose to become as informed as I could, seek education that allowed me to move forward securely, and learns ways to make different decisions as to how I would treat my own wife, children and others in my family.
My childhood of violence also prompted me to obtain a psychology degree, as I wanted to understand my own childhood better, mind and emotion connections, and how expectations and life experiences can be managed to build greater happiness in life. I wanted to study marriage and family therapy because I wanted to understand how families and individuals impact each other and I needed to understand patterns in personalities, what could be changed and what could not. I wanted to be able to move forward, have a happy life with my own wife, raise my own children, and also help others who are seeking to break cycles of abuse or family patterns.
I realized it doesn’t always matter the hand life deals you. What matters is how you move forward to change your life into the life you want, how you connect to support networks, and the steps you have to take to move forward and break away from the weight of the past.
Never allow yourselves to continue to be victims of violence of any kind. Establish a trusted support network and seek continued support, even if on repeated need for the support exists or occurs.
Types of domestic violence.
Abuse against spouse or those in a partner relationship.
Abuse of parent against a child.
Abuse of child against a parent.
Sibling abuse against another sibling (child abusing another child)
Abuse of elderly (by family member or caregiver)
Abuse of anyone living in a household against another member of the household.
How to deal with domestic violence:
Eighty (80%) of conflicts in relationships are due to poor communication. The best way to avoid conflict is to communicate clearly and effectively.
There are 3 levels of communication: 1. “Issue level” The Issue Level is characterized by “I” statements, while remaining focused on the subject under discussion. On the issue level, you win a conflict like you’d win a debate, based on the merits of your position. The problem arises when people do not agree on the issue level. Oftentimes, that disagreement may escalate to the 2nd level, which is the “personal level”. In our culture, we tend to abandon the issue level and jump to the personal level fairly quickly. Sometimes if we remain on the issue level, we may compromise or "take turns". (“I’ll go with you to eat tonight at the restaurant you want if you’ll order pizza and watch a movie with me next time.”) IMPORTANT! Remember this: you cannot resolve conflict IF you leave the issue level! 2. “Personal Level”. On the personal level, we attack the person, not the issue. It is characterized by “you statements” (“You always….”, “You never…”) and name-calling. We tend to become louder and to appear more threatening (such as stiffness in facial expressions and body language, setting our jaw, clenching fist, straightening up to look more erect or bigger, etc.). On the personal level, one person wins when their opponent cannot ‘answer the bell’ or ‘throws in the towel’, such as one boxer beating another, or when the other gives up. However, domestic violence occurs when your partner (or opponent) doesn’t give in easily and jumps to the relationship level. IMPORTANT! Remember this: you cannot resolve conflict IF you leave the issue level!
3. “Relationship Level”. This level is coercion, typified by “if-then” statements. “IF you don’t stop, then I’m going to hit you” or “IF you don’t do what I say, then I will make you regret it!” “IF you don’t do what I want, then I’ll kill you.” At this level, one partner tries to force the other to do what the other partner is unwilling to do. This typically proceeds physical violence, throwing objects, breaking or damaging things…or other people.
IMPORTANT! Remember this: you cannot resolve conflict IF you leave the issue level!
You cannot convince a person that your suggestion is better than theirs by calling them "stupid!" (or other names), threatening to break their arm, make them "pay", or harm them.
If your partner will not stay on the issue, do NOT escalate the situation! Tell them you can see they are upset; you are aware they are frustrated; you should both take a break and talk about it later when both of you have calmed down and can focus on the issue.
Don't belittle, threaten or coerce others!
No one has the right to put their hands on you! We call that "setting boundaries" and it is a vital part of prevent domestic violence.
I never ask anyone to live with the threat of being physically harmed. If you're hurt or threatened, immediately call the police!
No person should live under the threat of violence.
Make a plan! Know the signs of potential abuse! When needed, seek help from battered women's shelters, anti-violence community groups, counselors or attorneys.
If you believe your situation is escalating to a domestic violence point, put an escape plan together (who to call, where to go, and what you’ll need to be physically safe. Resources to do this are listed below).
Let others know! A real danger is when an abuser threatens an adult or a child to "not tell" or they will be harmed or killed. Tell your children that is never ok, and if someone tells them that, to immediately tell another adult (not a peer), a teacher, or their parent of that threat. That’s the reason it’s so important to make a plan (& professionals or battered women’s shelters know exactly what it needed in these situations).
Get help! People are not "mind readers". If you are hiding signs of abuse (using make-up or clothing to hide bruising), isolating from others when hurt, or lying to doctors, police, or mental health providers, then the abuse cycle will continue or become worse.
In order to protect children, oftentimes a parent must make a plan secretively. Some abusers will threaten children in an attempt to monitor or find out what their partner is planning. Sometimes it is important to keep those plans of action between you and your support network without your children’s knowledge, unless those children are older and will not disclose confidential plans to the abuser.
Online groups may offer support but be aware that many abusers are also skilled at tracking online activities. (A link below on tech safety) is excellent information. It may even mean that you don’t use your own computer or phone, but instead use a friend’s, a library computer, or another source to seek online help or resources.
Keep emergency numbers in your phone (fire, police, battered women’s shelter, others who will serve as your emergency contacts, etc.), as well as in back-up places (such as a friend's or neighbor's home, hidden in your car, or in an emergency bag. (Consider copying the resource number listed below in a safe place or on a second burner phone you carry).
What to know about domestic violence:
Recognize domestic violence is not your fault and you are not alone!
19% of domestic violence involves a gun. Presence of a gun in a violent household increases likelihood of a homicide in the family by 500%.
20,000 calls are placed every day to domestic violence hotlines for help.
Financial abuse is involved in 98% of domestic abuse cases. (Many community organizations and churches offer free ‘financial freedom classes’ as part of their outreach to help families experiencing domestic violence)
Every 73 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. Every 9 minutes, a child is that victim. (RAINN)
Unless the cycle is broken, the abused may become abusers themselves.
Many abused feel they must live with the shame of what happened to them. They need to know they do not have to live with shame!
Those abused may suffer mental health issues such as depression, addictions, dissociative disorders, anger issues, cutting, self-injury, eating disorders, personality disorders.
Family/domestic violence tends to intensify and increase over time.
Common signs of domestic violence may include indicators such as: verbal cruelty or berating of another person, physical and emotional control, signs of bruising, layers or inappropriate amounts of clothing being worn or heavy make-up (in an attempt to cover bruising or bandages), quick "jerks away" if a sudden movement is made (such as a child may instinctively perceive sudden movements toward them as someone about to hit them), lack of respect (privately and publicly), signs of fear, signs of being overly anxious when abuser is near, trying to ‘fade into the background’ to avoid conflict with abuser, being isolated with limited friends outside of family or relationship.
“This is not love. It is a crime! You can't look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.” (Salma Hayek)
All violence consists in some people forcing others, under threat of suffering or death, to do what they do not want to do. (Leo Tolstoy)
1 in 3 women suffer from abuse & violence in her lifetime. This is an appalling human rights violation, yet it remains one of the invisible and under-recognized pandemics of our time. (Nicole Kidman)
“No one should ever live in fear of having physical violence directed at them. Community groups, counselors, and churches often counsel abused women, men and children to find strength needed to stand up for themselves, to discover ways to better protect themselves, necessary resources, and ways to move forward to enjoy lives that are safe and happier. It is often a long and life-changing process, but many individuals who have suffered from domestic or emotional abuse are able to find paths forward to recovery and reclaim their lives” - Clifton Fuller
Knowledge empowers. Find out as much as possible regarding domestic violence to protect yourself, your family, or others living in a violent life situation!
Below are additional resources and information. Click on Links to be directed to sites. Stay safe! Seek Help!
Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) | Office on Violence Against Women-Tribal Affairs Division (OVW) (justice.gov)
National Network to End Domestic Violence (Many resources, important info)
National Domestic Violence Hotline & Chat (“The hotline” 800-799-7233)
Family Violence Prevention Services (San Antonio, TX, free legal advice, info)
Healthy Place (lists of places providing services for battered women)
Safe Horizons (info + 24-hour support phone line)
Women’s Law (helps find shelters, has legal resources for abused)
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (data, support line)
Domestic Shelters .org (data, support, shelter, financial assistance, info)
Break the Silence (Helpline 855-BTS-1777, resources, survivors helping survivors)
Tech Safety (Many abusers attack via technology. Find our more).
National Sexual Assault (hotline & resources, 800-656-HOPE (4673)
RAINN: (Laws in each state for protection against sexual assault) (RAINN: Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 1-800-656-4673
National Hotlines (for immediate help)
National Teen Violence “Love is Respect” (Help & info for teens, 866.331.9474)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-855-812-1001
Watch 2020 Video by Clifton Fuller about Domestic Violence (taped during the pandemic years, but with information that remains relevant).
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