Anger feels like power. It isn't. What are anger's true consequences for us and others? What purpose does anger serve?
If you are personally struggling with anger or know someone else who is having difficulty with this emotion, there are ways to identify it, address it, and gain better control of it.
As we deal with daily stressors or traumatic, or life-changing events, we often experience very powerful emotions. It may be frustration, shock, or a feeling of emotional detachment. Some may even experience unexpected bouts of tears at impromptu times when least expected. We may experience pain and our immediate reaction may be denial...or anger We may just "feel" so frustrated that it erupts into sudden anger. This is because humans all want to feel safe and loved. We do not want to feel threatened, in danger, without control, helpless, or experience the absence of positive interaction with other humans or rejection by others.
Anger is an emotion, but it is a secondary emotion, which means it is the second emotion felt...and can be controlled.
Anger always follows one (or more) of the following primary four emotions:
Pain
Loss
Fear
Frustration
All four of the above primary emotions make us feel as if we are not in control, or being victimized, which is always uncomfortable or threatening. That feeling of "powerlessness" may prepare our bodies and minds for two actions: to fight (protect oneself) or to flee (escape).
I recall in the 1950s when all my siblings and I would gather around our old TV and laugh as we watched old Loony Tunes cartoons. One I remember was when Bugs Bunny inadvertently tunneled into a matador's bull ring. Even as children, we could recognize that Toro the Bull was angry by the way he was pawing the ground, his eyes were red, and he had steam coming out of his nose as he menacingly confronted Bugs Bunny. I recall cartoons where steam would come out of Yosemite Sam's ears as Bugs Bunny taunted him. Even as children, we recognized the signals the angry characters were sending out...and laughed because the other characters didn't seem to recognize those signals, even as we, the young cartoon viewers knew what was coming.
It's the same way in life. We can identify the signals. In those initial split seconds, we can teach ourselves to take a deep breath and think rather than react. That quick "Time-out" helps us control our emotions and our reactions to them...rather than allowing them to control us.
Not only can we identify the warning signals in our bodies, but we can also quickly recognize those same signals in other people. Those warning signals should alert us that it's time to defuse the situation before it escalates.
When we feel threatened, we have a "built-in, check off anger-alert list" where we can identify that emotion by how our minds and bodies react...the verbal and non-verbal signals we feel and project. We can also learn to wisely recognize and tune in to these same signals when we see another person's body or voice reflecting the same signals. Anger is a heavy, distracting emotion, causing us to focus myopically (short-sighted focusing).
As we brace for anger's fight or flight response, we show both verbal and non-verbal signals.
Non-verbal signals to watch out for include: clenched teeth, grinding teeth, or baring one's teeth (much like a dog shows its teeth when threatened), crossed arms (indicating defensiveness, a protective gesture, uneasiness, or insecurity), tightened facial expressions, eye pupils that dilate yet with narrowed eyes, frowning, changes in breathing (rapid, short breaths), stiffness in body, neck, and hands, pointing or extended finger movements, feet braced apart (as if in a confrontational or "self-anchoring" stance). Other signals may include the head or upper body leaning forward aggressively, flushed face, tightened or pursed lips, "staring down" the perceived threat, or jerky, agitated movements. Even though we may not see this in others, we can identify if our own heartbeat increases rapidly or if we feel the adrenalin rush into our body.
Verbal signals may include staccato speaking (sharp, choppy sentences or words), cursing or inappropriate language, verbal attacks, speaking loudly, negative name-calling, or sarcasm designed to attack another person.
If we choose to fight, we become aggressive, which can quickly escalate into physical or verbal attacks on others. Those feelings of powerlessness may generate anger that, if left unchecked or unidentified, allows a rush of adrenalin (which we now call cortisol), which gives our body a chemical burst of energy to address the perceived threat. It's important to understand that the primary emotion initially felt is anxiety, and once anxiety is pumped full of the chemical overload of adrenalin/cortisol, it morphs into that secondary emotion of anger.
Those unchecked adrenalin surges may create unstable "powerless to powerful" feelings that, left unchecked, may result in abuse of others, stereotyping, or shunning of ethnic, religious, or socio-economic groups. It may be expressed in vandalism of property, churches, homes, businesses, or social media attacks on others. It may lead to domestic violence or abuse of children or others, even co-workers or innocent people we've never met. When that happens, it indicates a lack of discipline, control, a mental health issue, or a lack of knowledge about effective reactions to primary feelings of powerlessness.
Obtaining knowledge of managing anger is critical to know personally, teach our children, and share with others. Each of us can learn to manage anger.
The "fight or flight" response, instinctively felt following a trauma, dumps adrenalin into our bodies. The flight aspect of this response makes us feel weak, agitated, helpless, and small. We much prefer the feelings of anger, which make us feel more powerful, more 'in control'. Our muscles become more rigid, our hearts beat faster, our eyes dilate, and our lungs expand.
Most people prefer to experience aggression rather than anxious thoughts.
Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned outward is aggression. Passive aggressive behavior is rooted in anger that has not been resolved.
When we feel anger, if not managed effectively & understood, then a person may seek an outlet for the agitation or "tension" being felt. That may be a problem because instead of us controlling the anger, suddenly the anger is controlling us.
Anything you can do with anger, you can do without it!
The warning signs we see and feel are our body's way of "communicating" that anger is about to rear its ugly head. I've included a video at the end of this article to share more information. It addresses the importance of communication...of staying on the "issue level" rather than moving to the "relationship level" as well as tips to identify & control anger.
It affects our hearts, health, minds, families, friends, and yes, even our nation and world. If left unaddressed, it boils over into domestic violence, abuse, road rage, impulsive reactions, decisions made & later regretted, threats, medical difficulties, hostility, divorces, and wars.
We can do several immediate things to gain control of anger: breathe deeply (counting to 10 does work!), force ourselves to "unclench" our body, hands, and teeth (breathing deeply helps us relax), and allow ourselves time to think before responding.
The philosopher, Seneca, had wise insights when he said, "Anger brings about nothing grand or beautiful. On the other hand, to be constantly irritated seems to me to be the part of a languid and unhappy mind, conscious of its own feebleness."
It may help to distance yourself in situations that generate repeated anger. This may even mean changing a work environment or job if it sets the stage for ongoing anger or "triggers to anger". That is more difficult to do with couples or families, so conflict resolution skills must be developed to strengthen the relationships by learning effective ways to address the anger (pain, loss, frustration, or fears).
The Bible has several verses about anger, “Be angry, but do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger”. (Ephesians 4:26). That is important because anger harms us physically (heart attacks, ulcers, difficulty sleeping-which can lead to depression, etc.). “Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger”. (James 1:19). Those in the Christian faith are instructed to let go of anger because it hurts them.
A good Buddha quote is, "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Mahatma Gandhi said, "When you are right, you have no need to be angry. When you are wrong, you have no right to be angry" and "You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist."
I recall as a child when I frowned or glared at one of my siblings, someone would say, "Be careful or your face will get stuck that way." Anger is ugly. I never heard anyone say, "I find angry people pretty or attractive." We can often see people who wear the lines of anger on their faces, and we tend to distance ourselves from them.
We consider children, who bully, do not control their anger, or have temper tantrums, as immature. Yet many adults react in the same vindictive, temper tantrum-throwing way. Adults exerting physical force or those who manipulate others are called abusive. Through their actions, they display unacknowledged feelings of low self-esteem. They are driven to 'display their power' over others to counteract feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and frustration, or to experience value within themselves.
To deal with anger, "take a deep breath" and recognize that our bodies are giving us powerful signals. We must think through feelings and anger (which is the secondary response to fear, loss, pain, or frustration) and accept that we may be individually powerless. It may be difficult to admit we cannot control everything in life, and accept that we may not be able to retaliate or punish others who do not respect us, our values, faith, or even our way of life.
We can learn to express these feelings verbally, but first, we must be honest with ourselves and willing to face and address the loss, fear, and frustration. To face a loss, we must accept the truth. We grieve, and allow ourselves to feel anger, but also understand we can control, redirect, and USE our feelings constructively instead of reactively. We may have to learn to be strong enough to say, and mean it, "I'm sorry for the way I acted and my anger”.
If someone steps on my foot, I may quickly turn around to fight, as an instinctive, protective response. But what if I realize it's my best friend who stepped on my foot? Am I able to control that anger? Certainly. We all do it all the time.
When crises occur, as they will, remember anger isn't power, no matter how much it feels like it. Anger only goes so far before it destroys the carrier.
Individuals must learn methods to effectively handle anger when it occurs (as it will in life), but they must also teach their teens and children effective ways to handle anger.
A pivotal time to teach young children is during the "terrible twos" when young children are developmentally learning to separate from their mother or primary caregiver.
Children (teens, or adults) with attachment disorders may need help learning to address impulse control issues related to anger control, identify the "triggers" that set off explosions of anger, to gain control of those feelings.
Adolescents who are in a developmental stage of searching for their own identity (i.e. separating from their parents to obtain greater independence) may be prone to anger as an expression of that normal development stage. Mothers may feel this more from both sons and daughters, even though they've had previously close relationships. It's important to model effective methods of anger management and communication during this pivotal time when the adolescent may be more resistant to parental guidance. (Read more about this stage of development)
Those with ADHD-ADD, OCD, or Autism may need patient, and consistent, teaching to learn effective skills to address impulses that anger brings and learn to redirect those impulses effectively.
Let's face life's obstacles and trials, being as wise as possible in preventing traumatic situations, or playing into the hands of those who would make us lose control. Redirect powerful feelings of anger into productive actions (helping a family in need, exercising, cleaning the garage, volunteering at a local crisis shelter, or organizing a fundraiser to help others).
“Anger is never without a reason…but seldom with a good one.” (Benjamin Franklin)
Control anger rather than allowing it to control you. You can do it!
Here's a video that gives more information about how to walk away from, or manage, anger:
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